Justin Bieber vs. Tom Cruise: Tale of the Tape

Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise need to fight.

No one knows why Bieber challenged Cruise to an MMA bout. But after a full day of internet speculation, we’ve decided it’s a fight we’d like to see happen. Almost everyone has wanted to see Justin Bieber punched in the face for one reason or another. And based on his career success, people seem to enjoy watching Tom Cruise get punched in the face, too, which is why watching him eat dirt over and over in Edge of Tomorrow is so deeply satisfying.

This is a fight the whole family, young and old, can enjoy. Here’s the pre-fight tale of the tape:

Justin Bieber
Pop Star
Age: 25 years
Weight: ~150 lbs*
Height: 5’9”**
Athletic Experience: Years of touring, advanced choreography
Marriages: 1

Tom Cruise
Movie Star, Famous Scientologist
Age: 56 years
Weight: ~150 lbs*
Height: 5’7”**
Athletic Experience: Does own stunts
Marriages: 3

*-according to HealthyCeleb.com
**-according to Google; most likely shorter

Fight Breakdown

Younger, bigger fighters usually have an advantage, but that might not be the case here. Conspiracy theories about both Bieber and Cruise’s “real” heights (and other stuff about them) have floated around on the internet for years. But even if you slice off a couple inches of height each, the size difference is negligible.

Cruise has the physical edge, at least in terms of resume—he’s done his own stunts through six Mission Impossible movies and other action thrillers, so he’s ready to make terror rain, man. But he’s also 30 years Bieber’s senior. No matter how many Xenu-infused Scientology cocktails Cruise downs each day, that’s a lot of road miles.

Bieber’s presumed flexibility from years of dance pop stage performances should help too. If the fight’s pace moves Despacito, Bieber’s youthful stamina could carry the day. But by then, it might be too late to say sorry.

The x-factor might be which fighter is willing to go a little berzerk in the ring. Bieber’s a little out there, but Cruise could shift into manic couch-jumping mode and show Bieber how risky the business of challenging him truly is.

Final Odds: Bieber +170, Cruise -110