Joe Biden’s DNC Speech: A Drinking Game

After three nights of the longest political infomercial ever, the time has come for Joe Biden to accept the Democratic nomination for president. This is a long time coming for Biden, who’s run for president twice before and hardly made any headway. This time around, behind a moderate consolidation and a strong Super Tuesday, Biden finally got it done.

Still, Biden’s not exactly the ideal candidate, and Democrats don’t seem like they’ve learned much since 2016. They’re still stuck on mostly empty political rhetoric and performative gestures while appealing to the moderate middle. Biden hasn’t done a ton to quell fears that he’s not the best person for the job, but at this point it doesn’t much matter—he’s a vastly superior alternative to Donald Trump, he’s who Democratic voters chose, and he’s the guy, for better or worse.

Maybe you love Biden. Maybe you hate him. Or maybe you’re mostly indifferent but realize he’s the only thing standing between America and four more years of Donald Trump. Either way, you’re probably tired and absolutely sick of the political theater that is the virtual DNC. So we’ve developed a simple drinking game to take the edge off.

(Note: BTRtoday does not take responsibility for your inebriated decisions or political affiliations.)

Take a Drink If …

Any use of the following phrases: Build Back Better, Black Lives Matter, police reform, racism/systemic racism, social justice, racial equality, manufacturing jobs, access to healthcare, affordable healthcare, Affordable Care Act, unimaginable loss, empathy, bipartisanship, reaching across the aisle, or  America’s standing in the world

Biden stutters or fumbles over a word. Hey, we’re not rooting for it. This is a drinking game. All bases must be covered.

Biden refers to Barack Obama as his friend. Biden’s entire campaign is based on his Obama connection, so expect the former VP to hammer it home. Make it a double if he lists three or more of his and Obama’s accomplishments after acknowledging their friendship.

Biden mentions Trump by name. Again, strong possibility here. We’re not trying to make you go overboard, so maybe cut yourself off after the first two or three.

Finish Your Drink If …

Biden trails off and doesn’t finish a sentence. Again, *not rooting for this,* but if it happens it’ll probably be unbearably awkward and bleak, so drink.

The speech runs longer than 20 minutes. Obama went about 20 minutes last night, and it’s hard to imagine Biden going longer. If he does, you’ll probably want to drink anyway.

Biden tells a personal anecdote that includes a “regular person’s” working class occupation. We’re not talking Sarah Palin’s “Joe the Plumber” here, but we all know Joe is a storyteller.

Down The Entire Bottle If …

Biden apologizes for the 1994 Crime Bill. Is this a longshot that would signal we’re in a parallel universe? Yes. But would it be a moment worthy of chugging an entire bottle of liquor? Also yes.

Biden quits the race, endorses Kamala Harris. See above.