#JackVsMartha Is the Worst Thing in Food, and America

Jack in the Box tastes like greasy feet. No, that might be incorrect. If a greasy foot ate a Jack in the Box burger, it would probably throw it back up.

If you haven’t yet watched the fast food chain’s 60 second Super Bowl ad, it features Martha Stewart making a “Banh Mi inspired” fried chicken sandwich. “You’d never find this at a fast food restaurant” she chortles to her studio audience. “It’s a good thing.”

Her comment, of course, prompts Jack to storm into her stage kitchen and brag about his own “food truck series” that includes the same sandwich. Then she rips his nose off and he can’t smell. She sticks it back on and kicks him out, but not before he promises a Twitter war, #JackVsMartha.

Jack in the Box is a vehicle of the patriarchy, up there with Alec Baldwin and scented tampons. I’m not talking about some problematic language or offensive comments about women. I’m not even getting into that. Jack in the Box epitomizes the ability of barely adequate men to succeed no matter how terrible their product or idea is. #JackVsMartha equates a woman who spent decades building her empire with a dude who makes slimy feet meat sandwiches.

Old Jack in the Box ads don’t even show the burger half the time. They just plop that white bag down and leave it, after Jack yells at someone for not liking his burgers, or makes some crack about women only liking the lettuce. And not liking fetish wear. How is that even relevant? Only some asshole named Jack gets away with not showing you his product and you just accepting that it’s delicious.

When they do show the food, it’s clear why they usually keep it off camera. They make zero effort to make the food look appealing. Heck, I think they actively try to make it look inedible. Jack spends half his time mocking himself and the burger. But the bar is so low for mediocre white men like Jack and Carl’s Jr.’s Carl that they can spend several decades making ironic, “we’re great because we’re terrible” ads for shitty products and make millions of dollars doing so.

Also just by the way, why the does Jack in the Box’s menu include tacos, fries, egg rolls and apple slices?

Ever since she first brought Snoop Dogg on her show in 2008, Martha Stewart has been low-key transforming her image from classy white bread to self-aware classy white bread (partly of out of necessity; while the reasons behind her sentence may be dubious, she is a convicted felon). The transformation is more cosmetic than complete: she won’t let Snoop smoke her out but will say things like “the hood” and “shizzle.”

If Snoop is her cultural polar opposite, it makes sense that she would also partake in an ad for her culinary antithesis, fast food. But Martha’s got, in addition to obscene amounts of money and resources, enough talent to fill the Titanic. As does Snoop Dogg. Jack’s got absolutely nothing except money, resources and a tiny antenna ball penis. Is he really trying to convince me that his sandwich is better than Martha Stewart’s? Or is he saying “hey, I know Martha is obviously better but give me points for my spunk and ability to rage-kick doors down.”

You know who doesn’t get points for participation? Seventy six-year-old women like Martha Fucking Stewart. If she weren’t better than Jesus at making wine, she wouldn’t be here, in a self-indulgent Twitter war with you.