The Boston Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup.
It doesn’t matter that the puck doesn’t drop for another 24 hours or that the road team has won four games this series. Boston is going to win because Boston always wins nowadays. Boston’s teams have won 12 championships since 2000. When the Bruins win tomorrow night, it’ll cap an eight-month run in which Boston teams captured three of the four major American sports titles.
With those titles, Boston fans have developed a unique mix of smug confidence and embittered victimhood. They’ll gloat about their dominance but still insist their heavily-favored teams are underdogs.
And that’s why all of us need to mock them every single chance we get.
Clowning Boston sports fans is all we have left. The battle on the fields and ice and courts are lost. Even if your team beats theirs in the playoffs, Boston fans will lean on history. They’ll shout “count the rings” conveniently ignoring that they cried about the same tactic when the Yankees beat them into a pulp for the better part of a century. And when Boston sports fans aren’t ring counting, they’re crying foul. The New York Giants got lucky when they upset the Patriots in two Super Bowls, just as the Blackhawks were lucky during their miraculous comeback victory in Game 6 of the 2013 Stanley Cup Final. And if the Bruins lose this series, Boston fans will point to the missed penalty call in Game 5 or some other imagined slight that will explain away their team’s failure. And when they’re done with that, they’ll fight each other about it.
Boston fans are, at their core, like the fine gents in this clip, miserable curmudgeons living vicariously through their teams successes. After two decades of glory, they’re incapable of confronting failure. And the good news is that making fun of them works. They like to pretend they’re above the ribbing, but it truly, deeply bothers them. Barstool built an entire (misogynist) media conglomerate around bullheaded Boston fans spouting about their teams’ collective dominance. Which makes this video of Barstool founder Dave Portnoy being ejected from Super Bowl LIII for drunkenness this past February all the more satisfying.
Some Boston fans undoubtedly view Portnoy’s ejection as a major win. Others might be ashamed of the frat boy image Portnoy’s cultivated, which has overtaken Boston sports fandom in recent years. But to those of us clowning and shaming, these people are one and the same. So go on and remind Boston fans about their city’s racism or their all-time quarterback-head coaching duo’s avowed Trump support. Laugh every time they brandish a misspelled sign or brawl with each other in the stands. Mock their accents and vocabulary. Nothing is off limits, at least until their teams start losing.