If They’ll Vote For Roy Moore, Who Won’t Evangelicals Vote For?

Even in the polarized state of modern America, it seemed like a safe assumption that we’d all agree that harming children is abhorrent and unforgivable. As divisive as politics can be, it has always seemed like a given that most people would be strongly anti-pedophile.

Not so, evidently. Evangelical Christians have made it clear that under the right circumstances, they’re willing to give pedophilia a pass.

After The Washington Post exposed the pedophilic predilections of GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore, some thought this would surely kill his public career. Of course, many pointed to President Pussy-Grabber as evidence that the news would do nothing to harm Moore’s career. Few, however, believed that the scandal would endear him to voters.

Alabama’s religious right wing proved us wrong. In a recent poll, 37 percent of Evangelical voters said they support Moore more than before hearing he has habitually molested teens as young 14-years-old.

If Moore were merely a pedophile, evangelical support might waiver. But Roy Moore is a pedophile who wants to ban homosexuality and staple the Ten Commandments to every public building in the country. After decades of social conservatives privately enjoying behavior they publicly admonish, it seems there is no sin so grievous that it outweighs the desire for lower taxes. Just look at Dennis Hastert.

The moral standards Evangelicals hold their leaders to seems to be in a permanent state of flux. This must be confusing for them. As a favor, I’ve compiled a list of potential new leadership figures for Evangelical Americans to be inspired by. Because we all need a role model.

John Wayne Gacy
In addition to dressing as a clown to delight young children he would later rape and kill, Gacy owned a construction company, PDM Contractors. As a small business owner, Gacy was truly a blue collar hero.

Ted Bundy
Bundy was a model member of his community and party, even serving as a Republican delegate in Florida before serving up brains to eat. We hear he was pretty good-looking as well.

Earl Bradley
Colloquially known as the worst pedophile in American history, Bradley was also a model of the American Dream. He turned his hobby for child molestation into a career as a pediatrician. He even owned his own private practice. He never asked for government handouts.

Joseph Stalin
Yes, he was a communist. But there is no better model of modern masculinity than a dictator responsible for the deaths of millions. American conservatives would surely have appreciated his rigid adherence to gender roles.

He also gets more points than Hitler because not only was his kill count higher, he wasn’t some girly-man painter like Adolf.

Vlad the Impaler
Nothing says “old school authority” like Vlad, the fifteenth-century princeling of what became Romania. Not only was he responsible for a truly impressive number of deaths, he did so with gusto. His favorite murder method was, as his moniker suggests, impaling his victims. A very phallocentric move, one that would endear him to any Evangelical patriarch.

Jack the Ripper
Ripper found an innovative way to combat sex work: eliminating sex workers. Roy Moore would be proud.