How To Sneak Sex Into a Visit to Grandma’s House

Visiting family while horny is like driving through a snow-covered minefield. A constellation of problems conspire to keep you awake, stressed, cranky, never alone and exhausted. This all makes family holiday festivities the exact wrong place to have a sexy rendezvous with a certain someone.

But don’t fret. Here are some tips on getting dirty between helpings of apple pie.

Visit Your Old High School Flame
Just because you’re not in a couple doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some holly jolly orgasms. Tell your parents you’re going to catch up with some old buddies. Then you find your 10th-grade flame and catch up on their genitals.

Be Quiet
Like, really quiet. This can be when you break out the blindfolds and gags. Not only are they hot, the gag will muffle the moans while the blindfold keeps you from staring at their childhood posters. Win win win.

Skip Family Movie Night
Wait until everyone else has left the house then get it on as loud as you like. But set a timer, lest your entire family walk in to find you on the living room floor, doing naked pushups.

WD-40 is Your bestie
Unless you want literally every member of your family to hear your carnal rhythm, do something to lessen the creaking of bedsprings.

Cover your tracks
Here’s some news: your parents know you’re having sex. You’re not fooling anyone when you both say you’re tired and need to “turn in early.” But it’s the thought that counts, so put a towel down and turn on some music. Her parents needn’t hear what their daughter sounds like during cunnilingus or find her cum on the sheets later.

Make it Snappy
No matter how sex-positive your family might be, nobody wants to wait for you to finish some tantric lovemaking when they need help making holiday dinner for 25 people. Learn to love the quickie.

Related: Now is Not the Time to Branch Out
Unless you’re in Cirque du Soleil, this is not when you attempt sexual acrobatics.
Christmas Eve, when the house is overflowing with people and presents, and you’re sharing an old twin sized mattress, is not the time for sexual acrobatics. Stick to simple positions.

Save Your Kinks for Later
If you’re into golden showers, more power to you. But if you absolutely can’t have sex without getting peed on, this might not be the listicle for you because that’s the kind of thing you should save until you are no longer sleeping on the pull-out couch in the home office. Experiment with a vanilla lifestyle for a few days. Or …

Leave the House With Something Special Up Your Butt
Pretend you forgot some critical ingredients for family dinner. You and a special guest can go to the store together and wear an insertable vibrator or butt plug, one that comes with an app. Your partner can control it while you attempt to keep a straight face in the condiment aisle.

Enjoy the anticipation
There is a reason people enjoy edging (approaching then delaying orgasm): it’s even better when you finally get there. And the fact is, getting frisky just may not be an option, depending on how busy your holiday schedule is. So embrace the frustration and think about how you’re going to destroy all your bedding when you return home.