It’s over. And not a second too soon.
Tuesday morning, rap-rock star Kid Rock announced he’s not running for Senate on the noted public affairs program The Howard Stern Show. The “All Summer Long” singer’s denial was refreshingly profane and to the point.
“Fuck no, I’m not running for Senate. Are you kidding me?” Rock said on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show. “Who couldn’t figure that out? I’m releasing a new album. I’m going on tour too. Are you fucking shitting me?”
So yes, the man born Robert Ritchie is not running for Senate. It was a joke that crossed a queasy line into near reality and he’s walking it back into the world of fantasy.
It’s a relief over all but it’s particularly soothing coming in the form that it did. Rock emphatically made that point in simple language near a Sybian sex machine. Finally, something that should have been obvious from the start has shaken off its media-borne ambiguity.
The author of “Bawitdaba” is not fit to run for one of the highest offices in the nation. Up is up and down is down once again.
Barack Obama was too much of a rock star for the Senate. And that guy wears like mom jeans. Say what you will about Kid Rock—he’s a walking Skoal container who unforgivably desecrated Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London”—but he’s unimpeachably a rock star. That’s too much heat for D.C. to take.
Six years of Kid Rock in the Senate would be like Armando Iannucci and the South Park guys collaborating to adapt a Robert Caro book into a waking legislative nightmare.
Senator Kid Rock could gives quotes to Politico about the how the real problem with the A-rabs in Syria is they never get to enjoy an ice cold Coors light when they’re up in that desert bullshit.. He could try to buddy up to Thad Cochran and the Appropriations Committee by sharing intimate details of his marriage to Pamela Anderson. He could filibuster by free-styling over the beat from his only good song, “Cowboy” (just kidding; the idea of Kid Rock fluidly free-styling is as absurd as him holding elected office).
The thing is, it didn’t seem like a joke. We’re not able to recognize jokes in politics anymore. Our brains have been so broken by the election of Donald Trump that even when we can’t recognize jokes anymore. Trump is a failed former game show host. He’s sentient punchline to a lazy mid ‘90s Jay Leno monologue.
There’s still reason for fear and unease. He let the rumor of his Senate bid linger for months. It gained plausibility. The Overton celebrity office seeker window has shifted by even the rumor. The Presidency of Zac Efron seems more inevitable every day.