Hot Dudes in the Kitchen Is A Sham

I’ve got a beef with the hot men of Instagram kitchens. I’m talking about “Hot Dudes in the Kitchen.” The fine gentlemen of this Instagram, though no doubt generous in displaying their studly bodies, have failed to capture the essence of the Hot Dude instagram trend. They’re not just supposed to show off their physiques. They’re supposed to seduce their followers (more women than men, from glancing at their followers lists) by proving themselves better than the other men out there. The partner who is good in the kitchen so you don’t have to be the ’50s housewife. He’ll make you a sandwich after sex.

The oft-told difference between male and female strippers, when performing for opposite sex crowds, is that the women just need to seductively get naked. Male strippers, on the other hand, create a whole story for their female oglers. They don’t just shove their erections in your face, as women get plenty of that from strangers online and on the subway. They make female viewers feel appreciated, worshipped. They’re the man you want around: hot and generous.

Hot Dudes With/Doing blank Instagram accounts offer the same service as the male stripper, at least in theory. Hot Dudes Reading, for example, presents candid (again, in theory) shots of men on subways, in parks, wherever they might be found reading. The implication is that in addition to being attractive, the men are also smart, possibly sensitive and good partners. Of course, just because somebody reads doesn’t make them smart, kind or fun. But this is an account of fantasy. The fantasy of the hot bookworm. It’s not just a feed of generic whitebread bros doing bicep curls with copies of Infinite Jest.

The Hot Dude in the Kitchen (in theory) performs a similar service. He devotes his bod and his time to the overworked woman. He’s a sexy man and a partner, covered in flour and mayonnaise, whipping up a delicious meal for you. A hot dude rectifying the patriarchy, one homemade pastry at a time.

If you glance at the IG account’s feed, however, you’ll notice a typical Hot Dude in the Kitchen isn’t exactly whipping up a set of gourmet pancakes with homemade berry compote. He’s just standing in the kitchen, perhaps holding a sparkling clean spatula or cup of coffee. He’s performing cook drag, lazily.

This is not to say that straight and bi women don’t salivate over a sexy man’s looks. We totally do or else these accounts wouldn’t exist. But the very fact that accounts like Dudes in the Kitchen exist means there is a hunger for sexy men doing useful things. We want more than your muscles (we can find those anywhere), we want your service and your talent with a ladle.

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Look at that kitchen. Spick and span. He’s not laboring, he’s not mixing ingredients or thoughtfully preparing a sandwich with my favorite fixings. He’s standing with a single cup of coffee, doing absolutely nothing to justify my attention.

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This makes me feel uncomfortable. He looks like he’s waiting for me to pour him coffee.

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“#BoyfriendGoals.” How is this boyfriend goals? He has clearly whipped up a snack for just himself and you don’t even get any peak-action shots of him doing that.

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If you’re going to take a picture by the dirty dishes, how about washing the dishes? Not only does it make him more appealing as a person and hypothetical partner, you would see more of his rippling physique were he in the middle of a dexterous physical activity like scrubbing scummy pans.

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This is just a reminder that the only thing they know how to cook is cereal.