Grilling Foods, Ranked

Summer’s here, which means it’s time to fire up your primal American cooking machine, gather your loved ones and grill yourself some meals. But first, read this definitive list of what foods you need to grill. It’s scientifically proven, regardless of your dietary preferences or hyper-specific food allergies that you were hospitalized for when you were six.

No one likes a picky eater, anyway.

10. Corn

Nothing says summer barbecue like spending your entire afternoon picking kernels out of your teeth in front of friends and family.

9. Chicken Wings

Wings need to be fried to justify their existence. But douse them with enough BBQ sauce and you can almost make believe it’s what you want.

10. Asparagus

Asparagus are delicious off the grill. It also has a reputation for making your pee smell. Is the tradeoff worth it? You decide.

8. Pineapple

If you’ve never slipped slices of pineapple on a kebab stick to trap its sweetness beneath a light char, get out of my face forever. We’ll also stop being friends if you put pineapple on pizza,

7. Shrimp

“Shrimp on the barbie” is credited to Australians and Jim Carrey, but it doesn’t take a funny accent or magnificent beard to realize that grilled shrimp is goddamn delicious.

6. Chicken Breast

The only thing better than eating barbecue chicken is shouting “barbecue chicken!” to make fun of someone who easy to score on in basketball. Thank you, Shaq.

5. Octopus

The perfect way to eat something with eight legs that isn’t a spider. Just try to suppress the guilt of grilling one of the smartest and most adaptive animals on Earth.

4. Steak

I could get all white-mansplainy here and tell you which cuts are best, whether to use a dry or wet rub, and what marinades go best with your side dishes. Really, though, it’s not that serious. Just grill a steak and thank me later.

2. Burgers

Hot take alert: burgers are very good. Put some cheese on top and they’re even better.

1. Hot Dogs

Ah yes, the most American grilling meat of all. Cook ‘em till they’re crispy brown, slap ‘em in a bun and slather with racist imperialism. Or mustard.