Forget, Forget The Fourth of November

Tomorrow, all white people are going to die.

Alt-right (AKA white supremacists) conspiracy nuts are taking to their dashboard cams to warn us of an impending genocide of Trump supporters. The conspiracy has been brewing for months. It’s hard to know what’s fact and fiction (hint: it’s mostly fiction). But to help clear up the nonsense, here are the four main conspiracies and where they come from.

Antifa are planning to behead Christians
This gem started when Twitter user Krang Nelson jokingly tweeted about beheading white parents come November 4. His account was suspended and the was tweet removed but not before triggering a conservative freakout.

Alt-righters began warning of the upcoming “purge.” It’s unclear precisely who is getting purged but various sources claim all white people, white men, Christians, Trump supporters, and any combinations therein. So, like, just buy a bunch of guns just in case.

Antifa plans to start civil war to forcibly remove Trump from office
It’s true, the events planned for Saturday involve, among other things, protesting the Trump/Pence administration. RefuseFacism, the center of the plans for the Saturday apocalypse, does have “the Trump/Pence regime must go!” “Regime” and exclamation points are super scary and alt-righters noticed.

Plans for November 4 drew attention in late September, when protesters blocked off an LA freeway with signs spelling out: “Nov 4 it begins.” One of them, USC film professor Perry Hoberman and a member of RefuseFacism.org, told LA Weekly the stunt was planned in response to the administration’s response to Hurricane Harvey.

But according to LA Weekly, they didn’t have enough people show up so some had to hold two signs. And the eight people they found weren’t even enough to block the entire freeway. Def the makings of a national takeover.

Meanwhile, if you go to the super scary site for the super scary Revolutionary Communist Party, they have a list of what you can do to help on November 4. It includes putting up posters and holding yard sales.

Antifa are backed by North Korea
Tucker Carlson’s “news” site The Daily Caller warns its readers that antifa groups like Refuse Fascism cuddle up with Kim Jong-Un every night.

Their “evidence” is pretty much that antifa groups don’t like Trump or his insane response to North Korean nuclear power. If Trump = bad, then North Korea must = good?

It’s got people like YouTuber Steve Yeater very concerned. In a video warning his viewers to prepare for the upcoming slaughter, he provides fairly incontrovertible evidence for the Antifa/North Korean collusion:

“I am sure they have the help and support of the North Koreans.”

He also, with a similar wealth of evidence, claims “they have the help and support of the Chinese.” Check and mate.

All this coincides with a national blackout
A conspiracy isn’t a conspiracy if it doesn’t include an apocalyptic event. Well we’ve got one, folks. The Department of Defense is planning a drill on November 4-6 to simulate a “very bad day” in which solar flares and other celestial events cause power losses across the national grid. To check preparedness, the DoD will simulate these events, in coordination with the American Radio Relay League. They do this every quarter and have for the past several years.

Snopes checked if we’re headed for a three-day national blackout. Spoiler: we’re not. As Paul English, Army MARS Program Manager told Snopes, “While I strive for realism when planning exercises, turning off the electricity all across the US is way above my pay-grade, so we just have to simulating [sic] that.”

Of course, right-wing nuts don’t drink sanity tea. It’s unclear if they believe the DoD is conspiring with Antifa or if Antifa simply planned their civil war for the same time to take advantage. Point is, somebody is conspiring with somebody and you should buy ten more guns.

So what should you do?
Steve Yeater and Alex Jones have your back.

Yeater assures viewers not to panic. Just pack extra water and food then buttloads of ammo.

“I checked my 556 and I thought I had plenty but I’m actually down to 800 rounds. So I’m gonna have to go get some.”

I’m not a gun expert but 800 sounds like enough? It sounds like enough.

And, of course, I can’t not mention our fave conspiracy nutjob Alex Jones, founder of Infowars. In an adorable break from tradition, future PTA mom Alex Jones is not only recommending Superman vitamin supplements and army surplus store items to fight the hippies. He’s got an anti-genocide line of T-shirts, to “trigger the commie alt-left.”

In a video that feels like satire, with its bouncy soundtrack and the wearing of sunglasses indoors, the “Infowars Dogs” whip out their pocket constitutions and guffaw at the word “libtard.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=vrGl5v5Lpnw

So get ready, I suppose. I’ll be having my snowflake brunch in Brooklyn.

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