Creating the Ideal Presidential Fast Food Buffet

Donald Trump’s fast food spread for the national champion Clemson Tigers football team electrified the media for obvious reasons. The image of the president proudly presenting stacks of Big Macs in high end dishware was both the happiest he seemed since the election and was the perfect visual metaphor for his presidency.

But any fast food connoisseur knows Trump’s spread of “great American food” was weak. It’s no surprise Trump’s terrible taste extended to fast food—the buffet lacked imagination and showed that Trump is stuck in the past. Sure, he got a couple things right, but he whiffed on a lot more. Here’s the full list of what Trump should have served Clemson.

Mains

Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Trump can’t include Mexican while he’s waiting for Mexico to pay for the wall. Admittedly, Taco Bell is Mexican food in the same way dog food is people food—and that’s what makes it great. Cheesy gordita crunches are the most unassailable thing on the menu. Crunchwraps and chalupas should also be included.

Shake Shack Burgers. You might not qualify Shake Shack as fast food, but at the very least it’s takeout. It’s also the best casual burger joint on the market (don’t @ me).

Popeye’s Bonafide Spicy Chicken. I grew up in a KFC family and didn’t discover Popeye’s until college. I’ve made up for lost time since. Popeye’s is crispier, juicier and more flavorful.

Domino’s Pizza. It’s the only crappy pizza chain actually worth eating, mostly because it’s leaned into its brand of not being real pizza. Say what you want about Trump, but he got this right.

Chick-fil-A Chicken Spicy Sandwiches. The politics aren’t great here, but the chicken sure is.

McDonald’s Egg McMuffin. If Mickey Ds is offering this 24 hours a day, it needs to be on the table.

Sides

McDonald’s Fries. The absolute pinnacle, best fast food fries available. They should be a mountain of these laid in front of a ketchup fountain, not crappy presidential cups. Another easy choice for the Trump team.

Chick-fil-A Fries. McDonald’s are perfect, but these are great in their own right. And who doesn’t love a little french fry variety?

Domino’s Cheesy Bread. Unclear if the Trump team laid out cheesy bread alongside Domino’s pizza, but it was a grave mistake if they didn’t. Best paired with the artificial marinara sauce available exclusively at Domino’s.

KFC Famous Bowls. If you eat this as a side you should probably get checked out for a heart condition. But since it’s made up entirely of sides, this is where it belongs. KFC can’t touch Popeye’s, but Famous Bowls deserve their due.

Culver’s Cheese Curds. Who doesn’t love little deep fried cheese balls? The inclusion will also do wonders for underrepresented midwestern voters.

Burger King Mozzarella Sticks. They’re probably garbage, like most other Burger King food. But we had to include one item from the Warren Buffet-owned chain to stick it to Trump.

Desserts

McFlurries. This kind of massive order will undoubtedly break the ice cream machine at whatever McDonald’s it’s ordered from. My solution: buy a new one and blame the Democrats when it stops working.

Subway Cookies. Literally the only way Subway makes the cut. Do better, Subway. Also, Trump needed to offer something from the sandwich chain for the sake of inviting over his son-in-law and making a reference to Subway Jared.

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