Casting “The Social Network Part II”

After this week’s bombshell Facebook New York Times story two things are clear: everyone should delete their Facebook and David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin have to get to work on a sequel to The Social Network.

The Times expose details how Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg stumbled through crisis after crisis by either doing nothing or far worse than nothing. The tech billionaire siblings waved off red flags and after preventable disaster struck, tried to hide the fallout from the public. While Sandberg donated giant piles of campaign money to both of Hillary Clinton’s doomed presidential bigs, Facebook tilted towards conservatives to appease Republicans: Times reports that Facebook hired a Republican opposition-research firm to discredit activist protesters and lobbied a Jewish civil rights group to cast Facebook critics as anti-Semites.

The Social Network sequel has to tell a more epic story than the original. The Social Network Part Two won’t be about a gifted but borderline sociopathic tech wizard betraying his friends and early investors because a girl rejected him. It’s a story of palace intrigue, betrayals and double-crosses in the most elite corridors of power in the world. It’ll follow that borderline sociopath as he joins forces with his ambitious but morally compromised sister who uses every dirty trick in the book to conquer the world only to have the world crumble around them.

The Winklevoss twins, Eduardo Saverin and Sean Parker are no longer relevant to Facebook, so Armie Hammer, Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake won’t be in the sequel. Telling the next chapter of Facebook’s story requires a whole new cast of characters.

Here’s how that casting should go.

Mark Zuckerberg
Jesse Eisenberg should return, obviously. But the Zombieland star needs to be far less animated than his manic performances in Batman V Superman and American Ultra. As all of America noted when Zuckerberg testified before Congress, the Facebook CEO is as emotive as a robot on Xanax.

Sheryl Sandberg
To portray the Lean in corporate girl power icon, an actor needs command presence, Ted Talk diction and to look Jewish enough to sell the horror of how Sandberg weaponized anti-semitism to protect Facebook. Basically you want Israeli-born international movie star Natalie Portman playing Queen Amidala and Darth Vader at the same time.

Chuck Schumer
The Times reports the New York Senator advocated for Facebook and received more Facebook employee campaign contributions than any other Congressperson. In a breathtaking conflict of interest, his daughter Alison Schumer is a Facebook employee. Steve Buscemi would nail Schumer’s craven New York corporate sell-out vibe.

Joel Kaplan
The Bush White House aide turned Facebook exec reportedly advised against censoring Donald Trump’s racist campaign posts to avoid conservative outcry, reporting saying Facebook shouldn’t “poke the bear.” Kaplan also advised against fighting Facebook’s Russian troll outbreak. The right wing executive suite vampire could be brought to ignominious screen life by dead-eyed Superman Henry Cavill.

Hillary Clinton
Sheryl Sandberg’s brand of status-quo friendly corporate feminism was a perfect fit for Hillary Clinton. So it’s no surprise Clinton planned to appoint Sandberg Treasury Secretary. The obvious choice is Meryl Streep but it would be way more fun to have Naomi Watts, an actress capable of portraying characters completely untethered from reality, do the “Pizzagate is real” Hillary of QAnon fever dreams.

Donald Trump
Trump’s mostly incidental in the story. The Times reports that Facebook executives debated how to respond to Trump’s racist campaign post proposing his Muslim ban and to the systemic data breach involving Trump-connected tech company Cambridge Analytica. Nonetheless, it’s a great opportunity to have Tilda Swinton wear a spray-tanned fat suit to play Trump. Swinton’s of the best actors alive and Trump would hate being portrayed by a woman.

Vladmir Putin
Putin’s won’t play a big role in this story. In fact, it’ll probably be just a single scene cameo with no dialogue, preferably with a Putin shirtless, riding a horse and played by Tim Heidecker.