Candy Penises are the Perfect Holiday Gift

Giving gifts is taking on some different forms in 2020. Maybe you’re used to doing most of your holiday shopping online, but this year it’s a necessity. The family and friends you’re sending gifts to will surely appreciate everything a little extra, since gathering is a much more precarious proposition. But maybe you’re tired of giving the same old lukewarm gifts and want to spice up an already altered holiday season with something unexpected.

Might we suggest a penis?

Laugh if you want, but candy penises are big business this time of year. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration—but it’s at least a big enough business to fill an entire Google search page an inspire multiple websites that sell the same thing. And just in case you don’t want to muddy up your search or browser history, we’ve taken the liberty of reviewing the top results for you. You’re welcome.

Dick At Your Door

Unsurprisingly, Dick At Your Door might be the most straightforward  seasonal option for your phallic candy needs. Their primary offering is chocolate and comes in a decorative Christmas box, perfect for surprising your loved ones this holiday season. There are also penis themed Christmas ornaments and NSFW holiday cards.

This site boasts itself as The Original Bag of Dicks and the No. 1 rated bag of dicks website, which is probably good if you’re in the bag of dicks market. Their candy offerings most resemble Runts, at least in terms of texture and size, and come neatly packaged with a certificate of authenticity and a box that’s probably a little too fancy for what’s inside. They’ve also got cups, koozies, and other meaningless merchandise with their trademark cartoon phallus on it.

Ship A Bag Of Dicks

Don’t let the crass name fool you—this site offers far more than just the typical bags. There’s a variety of candy offerings, from mini gummies to molded chocolate to something called a giant gummy dick dildo. They’ve also got plenty of other non-edible merchandise, from mugs to prank candles to pop up cards and even  penis shaped valve covers for your car or bike.

Dicks By Mail

Dicks By Mail is a stripped down version of the sites above. They offer gummies, phallic confetti, and other various goodies on a no-frills site. There’s not a ton to get excited about here, but on the bright side you can send these along anonymously, which makes Dicks By Mail a good option for a weird revenge gift if you’re into that sort of thing.

Pranks Anonymous

Pranks Anonymous offers just one phallic candy option, a bag of gummies. But it’s a nice alternative if you want to be a little subtler than sending your friends or family a giant penis in a festive box. They’ll get the joke and probably won’t feel too awkward eating these, since they’re gummy bear-sized and easy to pop in your mouth. Then again that sentence was a bit awkward to write, so who knows.