Donald Trump will deliver his first State of the Union address tonight, but really he doesn’t have to. We already know what he’s going to say. DJT will remind everybody about the booming stock market, plummeting unemployment and how his approval rating has skyrocketed to 40 percent. Major media rarely pays Trump any attention and he has no options to speak directly to his base, so he’ll surely take advantage of the opportunity.
Chances are you’ll need hard liquor to get through this first State of the Union. Follow these rules and soon enough you’ll be slurring worse than Trump with loose dentures.
Take one (1) shot when Trump:
Goes Off Script
Trump may repeat a phrase for effect, break for applause or just brag about his sexual conquests of forgotten ‘80s actresses. Whatever it ends up being, drink.
Mentions a Democrat By Name
Whether the mention is positive or negative, any mention of a Democrat is drink time. Hell, throw back a bonus shot if he happens to use one of his clever (read: asinine) nicknames. If he calls Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas,” just drink Trump brand vodka straight from the bottle.
Uses a Favorite Adjective
Trump only uses about 50 words total, and at least half of those are adjectives. Throw one back for every wonderful, tremendous, fantastic, incredible and amazing you hear. You can add words to the list by consulting this handy site. (If you’re wondering, yes, we’re trying to give you alcohol poisoning.)
Employs Thinly Veiled Racism
In other words, the type of stuff Tucker Carlson might say on his show that Ben Shapiro might defend the next day.
Employs Overt Racism
In other words, the type of stuff Tucker Carlson might say on his show that David Duke might defend the next day.
Honors a Special Guest He’ll Stab in the Back
Last year, Trump honored the wife of a Navy SEAL who was killed during what seems like a pretty dumb mission. Politico reports that Melania Trump has invited business owners, victims of gang violence and an ICE agent. Things are gonna get self-serving in the chamber. Then he’ll fire everybody he can and badmouth the rest for slights both imagined and real.
We’re certain most of these are going to happen. But this is a State of the Union address after all. Odds are Trump will stay as buttoned down as possible and we’ll be a little disappointed. That’s why you should also drink when…
Pundits Call Him Presidential
It’s inevitable. “Listen, sure, he might undermine the media and justice system, threaten nuclear war with an unstable dictator and scarf cheeseburgers in bed, but TONIGHT is the night he became president.” They’ll laud his diction and focus. They’ll claim he united his base and gave the country hope. Take a shot when this happens. Take a shot after this happens. Keep taking shots until you forgot this happened, pass out, and come to. And just when you remember that someone on cable news actually had the balls to call Donald Trump “presidential” because he can read at a third grade-level, take another one.