Blake Shelton: Most Adequate Man Alive

People magazine has named Blake “I Like to Tweet About Violent Gay-Bashing” Shelton the Sexiest Man Alive. Despite resembling an animated lump of clay and possessing barely a modicum of musical talent, he is the pile of mediocrity we are supposed to swoon over for the next year.

Hot damn, put your clits away, ladies.

The internet was confused over the choice, given that Shelton has neither the physique nor the face for the level of panty-dropping one would expect from the world’s sexiest man.

“Where are the photos of Blake Shelton shirtless?” Asked a number of publications last year, after Page Six published a photo of him canoodling with Gwen Stefani (inexplicably still his girlfriend) in a pool with his shirt on. And indeed, a quick Google image search of “Blake Shelton shirtless” yields shirtless Orlando Bloom, shirtless Gavin Rossdale, shirtless Chris Hemsworth, shirtless Chris Pratt, every other famous Chris shirtless and a number of fully clothed Blake Sheltons.

But shirtless Shelton is nowhere.

Don’t come at me with “but feminism is all about body positivity, how dare you be such a hypocrite for shaming Blake Shelton for resembling a large pile of dough in a cowboy hat.”

Blake Shelton is doing just fine with or without my adorable feistiness. Blake Shelton represents everything wrong with America and possibly the entire world. Blake Shelton can be kind of fat, kind of okay at music, kind of a bag of dicks with regards to other humans not like him and still be anointed the most sexually appealing man on the entire planet.

This is not about fat shaming Blake Shelton. This is about the fact that if a fat woman went within 50 miles of whatever drunk frat dorm decides this nonsense, she would be chased out with a cross and holy water. If a woman was as insecure about her love handles as Blake Shelton admits to be about his moobs, she would never be even a distant cousin of a contender for sexiest anything.

If women are going to be sexually exploited, harassed, assaulted, violated and objectified on the reg, the least men could do is take their effing shirts off.