Bill O’Reilly’s Gift Shop Refuses to Admit Defeat in the War on Christmas

Bill O’Reilly has fallen from king of cable to manager of an online gift shop.

After Bill O’Reilly was fired from Fox News earlier this year following allegations of relentless sexual misconduct, he crawled into the safety and darkness of his own corner of the internet, There, he still wages the War on Christmas with his weapon of choice: home furnishings.

His “we say Merry Christmas” doormat sells for $49.95. That and the “Patriots Welcome” mat are the two most expensive products in his store. Which is telling. Nobody save for the “No Spin” pundit and his former network Fox News cares about the War on Christmas. But O’Reilly has been fighting the good fight for over a decade. He can’t stop now. No matter how much reason, common sense, public opinion and, well, reality tell him he should. It’s all he has left.

He also sells a very lame tame collection of “no spin” mugs, pens, lanyards, keychains and ties. The ties come in two versions: light blue and light blue with stripes. And because when he is not screaming at guests, he is apparently a basic b*tch, he sells polo shirts. Not even polos with snappy slogans. Just “USA strong”. Where is that biting wit, Bill?

He also sells copies of the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. Like the ones you get on your high school trip to D.C.

Each document, advertised in the “shop parchments” section of his Christmas Store, costs a whopping $4.95. A bundle of all four is $16.95. Which is still less than half what you would pay for his uber-defensive Christian doormat. The best part is this product description: “The paper is made to appear and feel old with a unique 11-step antiquing process. Hand tied with a patriotic ribbon, this makes a great gift for any American History buff.”

I’ve got this poster of Middle Earth hanging in my childhood bedroom. It, too, was made to resemble ancient parchment. My parents bought it from a toy store in my local mall that’s since gone out of business.

So congratulations to Bill O for stumbling on such a forward thinking business model.