Good merchandise is the lifeblood of any political campaign. Forget policy or public appearances—everyone knows it’s impossible to win an election without offering voters the apparel and accessories they want.
Joe Biden is ahead in the polls, hanging onto leads in swing states by posing himself as the only viable alternative to Donald Trump’s authoritarian fascism. Biden’s performance in the coming weeks, from interviews to presidential debates, could well decide the election. What voters really want to know, though, is what Biden is truly offering.
What’s in his campaign store?
Like Biden’s campaign, there’s not a ton to feel good about, but it’s probably good enough. Here are a few items that we can get behind.
We blasted Liz Warren for offering similar stuff, and Biden deserves the same treatment. There’s no way to get around how brutally corny this is. Still, some people might find it cute—probably the same number of people with whom the word “malarkey” still resonates. Buy it for your aunt, you know, the one with all the cats.
Old Joe might be a little tired and boring, but young Joe was a certified stud. The Biden campaign knows it, which is why they slapped this viral image on a tank top. Interesting choice of shirt, too—we’d sure like to see young Joe in a black tank, wouldn’t we folks? Alright, take it easy.
Purple Tie Dye Ladies Boyfriend Tee (designed by Gabriella Hearst)
Hey, who doesn’t love a good tie dye t-shirt? This design is basic as hell and that’s exactly what makes it work. Biden’s normal wordmark is nowhere to be found, and that’s perfect for at-home campaigning where no one’s gonna see you anyway. Buy it for your aunt, you know, the one with all the cats.
You gotta love the Biden campaign giving Kamala Harris top billing. You can’t even see any “Joe” on this one—just a straight up black tee with the name of the woman a bunch of people would rather cast their vote for. This one’s also a winner because it doubles as Kamala 2024 pre-merch.
I mean, yeah, whatever. Koozies are one of those underrated items you don’t think you need until you’re stuck holding an ice cold can at a party with no counter space. We’d have liked these better if the third one read “Cheers, Jack” instead, but extra points for the 3-for-1.
Folks, here’s the deal. You thought you were done with no malarkey? God love ya. It’s not really clear that a couple of these qualify as “sayings,” but hey, if there’s one thing Biden can be identified for, it’s performative political colloquialisms. Slap one on your backpack or sweatshirt (or cat collar!) today.