Ass-Kicking Food Mascots: Tale of the Tape

Last weekend, Twitter user @matttomic posted a graphic that could alter the way we look at classic food mascots forever.

The image quickly went viral, spreading to Instagram and Facebook. As of this writing, it’s garnered more than 50,000 retweets. As the debate raged on, important questions were asked—what sort of in-ring experience does Chef Boyardee have? Would anyone stand a chance against the Green Giant? And why would anyone want to fight the Gerber Baby?

As these questions rattled around in our minds, we began wondering how these food mascots might fare in an actual fight scenario. Here’s how they stack up.

Gerber Baby
Height: 27 inches
Weight: 12.5 lbs
Fight profile: A literal baby
Outlook: Bad. Please don’t fight a baby.

Quaker Oats Guy
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Possibly William Penn
Outlook: If the Quaker Oats Guy is a Quaker, there’s a good chance he’s in decent shape from his clean living and hardworking lifestyle. But like many Quakers, he may be a pacifist, which would hinder his attack abilities. His fight knowledge is probably limited, but don’t count out the guy’s endurance.

Pillsbury Doughboy
Height: 8.75 inches (with hat)
Weight: 14 ounces
Fight profile: Doughy, can take a punch
Outlook: Don’t let his high-pitched voice and love for tickles throw you off—the doughboy’s elasticity will make it hard to land a punch. Traditional fighting tactics might not work—your best option to bake him at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes and deal with whatever’s left.

Ernest, Head Keebler Elf
Height: 3 feet
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Mythical bakery owner
Outlook: Probably an easy mark, unless this becomes a fudge-dipping contest. But even if you take Ernie down, watch your back—he’s got a gang of elves ready to avenge him.

Lefty (Hamburger Helper Glove)
Height: Probably a little bigger than your average hand
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Four-fingered face hand
Outlook: Lefty isn’t the kind of disembodied hand you’d normally fear (like Thing from The Addams Family). But if his self-reported skeletal structure is real, it’s probably best to steer clear of this monster.

Mr. Peanut
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Classy, old-fashioned legume
Outlook: You might think Mr. Peanut is an easy crunch, but not so fast—turns out he’s a war hero and used to weigh 300 pounds. Plus, anyone with peanut allergies is in trouble.

Yellow M&M
Height: Taller than the Red M&M
Weight: “Around average…for a peanut with milk chocolate padding.
Fight profile: Big dumb candy
Outlook: The Yellow M&M seems easy-going, so maybe just be his friend. But if you choose to go, stay away from the gut—his peanutty center is built for body blows.

Lucky the Leprechaun, aka Sir Charms
Height: 3 feet (average leprechaun height)
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Cereal-obsessed leprechaun
Outlook: Lucky is a fun-loving leprechaun, but pop culture and Notre Dame’s athletic department has shown us leprechauns have dark, violent sides. If Sir Charms taps into that darkness, look out.

Dig’em (Honey Smacks Frog)
Height: Average frog height
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Cool cartoon frog
Outlook: Dig’em is pretty small, but his hopping ability makes him a bit of a wildcard. Just don’t challenge him in bowling—it’s right up his alley.

Colonel Sanders
Height: 5-foot-10
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Cheerful southern grampa
Outlook: Colonel Sanders may be old, but he’s got spirit. The original Colonel Sanders wasn’t actually a veteran, but depending on who’s in the white suit, this could be anywhere from a rout (Jason Alexander) to a bloodbath (Reba McEntire).

Uncle Ben
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Rice businessman
Outlook: Uncle Ben is actually modeled after Frank Brown, a maitre d at a Chicago hotel. The “racially charged” logo has been used since the mid-1940s, which means Uncle Ben is probably more than pissed off enough to kick the shit out of you.

Chef Boyardee
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Microwaveable Italian chef
Outlook: Ettore Boiardi phoneticized his name and made a fortune off his Italian food bastardization. But he’s straight from the old country, which means he’s tough as dirt and will beat your ass with a wooden spoon.

Red M&M
Height: Shorter than the Yellow M&M
Weight: “Perfect for his shell size!
Fight profile: Clever, diabolical candy
Outlook: He’s a little bit snarkier than his yellow friend, which naturally makes him more of a threat. But he’ll still melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Cereal sea captain
Outlook: Cap’n may be old, but decades at sea have made him unpredictable. One minute he’s offering you some sugary goodness, the next he’s scraping the inside of your gums. Careful with this wily old pirate.

The Burger King
Height: Tall
Weight: Doesn’t matter
Fight profile: Creepy beef monarch
Outlook: The Burger King will mess you up. And he’ll do it with a smile on his face.

Kool-Aid Man
Height: 6 feet
Weight: 11,000 pounds (with liquid)
Fight profile: Enormous glass pitcher
Outlook: The Kool-Aid Man literally runs through brick walls out of sheer excitement over Kool-Aid. The Kool-Aid man’s 5,800-pound pitcher body is made of 3.6-inch thick glass. Do not mess with the Kool-Aid Man.

Ronald McDonald
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Large burger clown
Outlook: McDonald’s probably got some tricks up his sleeve—actual party tricks, because he’s a clown. But he’s a formidable opponent due to his size and reach and giant red shoes. Better hope this isn’t kickboxing.

Tricks (Trix Rabbit)
Height: Taller than the kids he’s looking down on
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Disturbed bipedal rabbit
Outlook: Tricks is obsessed with Trix cereal and will do anything to get it. Just imagine if he channels that energy into beating you up.

Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp Bear)
Height: That of a small bear
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Chill cereal bear
Outlook: Sugar Bear doesn’t seem like the combative type, but he’s still a bear.

Chester Cheetah
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fight profile: Badass cheetah
Outlook: Chester is cool as hell, which means he can automatically kick your ass. Pay your respects.

Tony the Tiger
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: 480 pounds
Fight profile: Big inspirational tiger
Outlook: Tony’s probably the only tiger who’s never shown his teeth. He’d still claw the crap out of you, but he has the can-do personality of a motivational speaker; he’s more likely to coach you rather than fight you.

Green Giant
Height: 55-foot-6 (based on roadside statue)
Weight: Too much
Fight profile: Gargantuan vegetable man
Outlook: There’s no hope here. You could start a fight with the Green Giant and odds are he wouldn’t notice for hours. He’s just that big and healthy. Eat your greens and don’t anger this emerald god.

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