You’ll find everything at 7-Eleven, from penis pills to Gumby.
It’s July 11, which means 7-Eleven is offering free small slurpees all day long. Who knew the convenience store chain even offers small sizes? If I want a beverage of mysterious origin that looks like a pile of neon colored dog poop, I wanna go all the way with it. It’s apparently also Chick-fil-a’s annual Cow Appreciation Day, giving away free food to those dressed in cow regalia. Stay in your lane, Chick-fil-a. You couldn’t have picked any other day?
Aside from being a haven for stoners everywhere, 7-Eleven is a mecca for weird crime and melodrama. Such as…
Villainous cartoon characters
In September of 2011, a robber dressed as Gumby tried to rob a San Diego 7-Eleven but his costume foiled his plan. According to ABC News, the large green slab of clay asked for cigarettes then informed the cashier he (Gumby) was robbing the place. Needless to say, the cashier did not believe him, nor was he convinced when the green monstrosity fumbled in his costume for his alleged gun, couldn’t find it, dropped 27 cents then left in shame. No word on his getaway vehicle; one can only assume he rode away on his pony pal Pokey.
San Diego police Detective Gary Hassen told ABC the crime was “very serious.”
“It could have been a ski mask. It could have been a bandana. It could have been a hoodie. It just happened to be a Gumby costume.”
The San Diego PD: stopping crime one claymation thief at a time.
Over on the other side of the country, a more serious crime occurred in Florida about a month after Gumby’s sticky fingers failed to grasp any cash. A group of armed assailants dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants terrorized an Orlando 7-Eleven and several other convenience stores before being apprehended. It was more serious because these cartoon criminals were armed with AK-47s (shout out to Florida’s stellar gun laws, so lax that even sentient sponges get them). Fortunately, nobody was killed—you can bet at least one mourner would’ve giggled through the entire funeral.
Earlier this year, a Florida woman threatened to kill a clerk who refused to accept an “old, dirty jar of pennies” as payment. Nobody was killed, however, though the woman did leave in her own vehicle and not a police car. According to Florida Today, “it was not immediately known if the woman took her penny jar with her.”
In fairness, I’ve got a huge jar of change at home and would love nothing more than to unload it on a month’s worth of roller food.
On theme with people comically overreacting over tiny charges, a grown man tried to put a bag of almond M&Ms on his credit card. After it declined the 75-cent purchase, he did what any self-respecting hipster would do for almond products: hit the cashier in the head and knocked the register off the counter before tossing a bunch of bananas at another employee’s head and storming out.
The local police department told KTLA TV “Based on his actions over a 75-cent bag of M&Ms, I’m not sure what his reaction would be to something really serious.”
Some 7-Eleven stories are sad. Like the guy in Washington D.C. who tried to rob a 7-Eleven but forgot to put on his ski mask until he was already in the store and on camera. He held up the cashier with a gun and got the cash but the whole thing was filmed. He sure made his case a lot easier than Gumby man.
Hey bro, I get it. Crime is hard. Don’t beat yourself up.
Or consider the case of the accidental Olympic cheater. In 2009, Olympic champion LaShawn Merritt went into a Virginia 7-Eleven for condoms. He also made the last-minute decision to spring for a packet of ExtenZe, an over-the-counter erectile enhancer.
“It was like you go into a store, you grab a drink, you grab some chips,” he told Time.
But chips don’t have steroids banned by the Olympics. ExtenZe did and he was suspended from competing. Also the world then knew of his penis predicament. It’s hard to say which one was more humiliating.
Then again, some sev stories are are just plain petty. Like the dude who opened a 6-Twelve in June because he hates 7-Eleven. Abu Masa is a former 7-Eleven owner who quit after refusing to sell the hot food the chain required. He told CBS Boston he will “never” sell hot food.
That’ll show them.
Masa would get along with Manhattan Borough President Gale Brewer, who said she would “throw up” if she sees another 7-Eleven.
But one particular big gulp of a gaffe trumps them all. Remember back when Donald Trump was just an absurd candidate and not yet a tragically real president? Last April he said 7-Eleven when he meant 9/11. That came at a time when such gaffs were funny and not representative of a president so ill-informed he puts Dubya to shame.