Are Animal Sex Toys Endangered Species?

Monster Fleshlights and alien egg-laying dildos are driving animals out of beds across America.

Animal sex toys are disappearing. In their place, a new breed of sex toys is emerging. Cute sex toys shaped after your favorite childhood pets are being replaced by kinkier, darker devices. Evidently, today’s women are more interested in flicking their beans with Frankenstein than corrupting poor Wilbur the pig.  

As kink moves further into the mainstream, the ubiquitous rabbit vibrator has declined in popularity. The style, essentially a dildo with a smaller piece on top to stimulate the clitoris, remains a getting off go-to.  But sex toys shaped like beloved pets and cute animals are being overtaken by Frankenstein-themed Flesh and Lovecraftian dildos like the Ovipositor.

I understand why you wouldn’t want to go cute when you’re getting dirty. When I reach down to my ladybits, the last thing I want to see is a farm animal staring back up at me. Or a butterfly. Or a freaking dolphin. Nonetheless, sex toy makers have spent years churning out a stupid amount of vibrators topped by furry friends, from rabbits with clit tickling ears or butterflies with dildos coming out their stomachs.

But the animal kingdom’s reign is over.

Khaleesi queens can get off with dragon-themed dildos like Crash the Raptor. Cthulhu cravers can find artisanal tentacle dildos on Etsy. Ripley fetishists can impregnate themselves with alien eggs via the infamous Ovipositor. Anyone who’s ever had fantasized about a velociraptor is closer than ever to that Jurassic porking they’ve craved for years.

Butterflies and household pets live on but they’ve been relegated to novelty shops like Spencer’s Gifts or online megastores like Adam and Eve. People want sex toys they can take seriously. Adorable insects just aren’t doing it.

I asked my sex toy guru for her hypotheses about the shift. “The internet has become a space where you can openly fantasize in anonymity,” says Dirty Lola, host of the sex variety show “Sex Ed A Go Go.” She credits fan fiction and kinky subreddits and Tumblrs for popularizing these kinks. “Toy companies have taken notice,” she says. “It’s simply supply and demand.”

Oh, the days of reading Harry Potter fan fiction and “stumbling” into the NC-17 stories. You’d settle into some respectable Dumbledore and Snape fellatio then somehow Buckbeak appears in the middle. It’s not your fault you kept reading.

The creator of the Ovipositor did not invent the fetish for shooting alien eggs into one’s orifice. He made some for friends and shared his creations on a YouTube channel. Soon, he was immediately bombarded with requests. Dirty Lola is right—toy makers are responding to the demand, not the other way around.

Hypocrisy, you say? How are adorable bunnies more freaksome than a phallic Puff the Magic Dragon? Because Puff the Penis is blatantly freaky. It doesn’t pretend to be anything other than a masturbation aid for kinky weirdos (I use “weirdo” in the most loving, sex positive way, of course). It doesn’t look like a prop for your kid’s tea parties.

That said, I’m in the “anything goes between consenting adults” camp. If fornicating with silicone Bugs Bunny gets you to your happy place, I’ll be the first to cheer you on with a heartfelt “What’s up, Doc.”