A Love Letter To Jason Chaffetz

Dear Jason,

Can I call you Jay Jay? I’m going to call you Jay Jay.

Jay Jay, I know you’ve been a busy little beaver lately, so I’ll keep it brief. What you’ve been doing for women, for all Americans, heck everyone on the planet, is incredible. We all owe you a debt of gratitude. And you just haven’t been getting that, have you? We all saw your recent town hall. The yells, the boos, the chants of “do your job.” The protesters you insisted were paid to be there. “A concerted national effort,” you called it, to get people to show up and demand answers from an elected official. Who knows how deep the conspiracy goes.

They just don’t understand you. Your process. It might look like you are not doing any part of your job. It might appear as though conservative and sexist hypocrisy prevents you from making life difficult for a republican administration. But I think you just know how to focus on the important things. I’m going to take a minute to give you the benefit of the doubt.

America is going to hell in a handbasket. A basket held with tiny, tiny hands.

Recently former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn’s lovefest with Russia has led many on both the left and right to demand that Congress launch a full investigation into how much Trump knew about Flynn’s involvement and how deeply the Oompa Loompa in Chief himself has dove into Putin’s anal cavity.

But you. You, dearest Jason, you remain a maverick. As Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, you heard those cries and you said “nah brah, I’m busy looking into a cartoon puppet running wild with your tax dollars.” What patriotism.

Flynn and Trump both displayed a lackadaisical approach to national security when discussing classified information on rich Florida golf courses. But in this matter and that of Russian cyber attacks, you have suggested that “It’s taking care of itself,” because Flynn resigned. It’s funny that you mention that, because you still haven’t let go of Hillary Clinton’s emails, even though she resigned from the State Department years ago and lost the presidential election to a sentient wig with a lumpy body.

You called her email controversy the “largest breach of security in the history of the state department.” One would think it pales in comparison to the antics of these fools but not you.

I’m confident it is has nothing to do with sexism. You love women. You love women so much that you voted against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act in 2013.

You love women so much that you have spent countless hours and tax dollars going after the biggest provider of women’s health care because you don’t like abortion or our right to contraception.

Do you remember that? How you dragged Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards through the dirt a little over a year ago? Remember how you shamed a grown-ass woman for making a good salary, despite it being a salary significantly less than the male executive of other non-profits and hospitals?

It’s funny how blatantly soft you are on this administration that flouts its disregard and disrespect for the law. “I won’t investigate anything until there’s evidence that laws have been broken,” is your refrain.

Yet when you are focusing on using women’s bodies as political target practice, the law is not so important to you. While you were investigating how Planned Parenthood likes to do heinous things like provide yeast infection creams and legal abortions, Wolf Blitzer asked you if there was any evidence that Planned Parenthood broke the law. “No, i’m not suggesting they broke the law,” you responded. The investigation was really about how we spend taxpayer money, you said.

To get around your misogynistic hypocrisy, I’m confident you will be investigating the millions that Trump is costing taxpayers with weekend stays in Mar-a-Lago. I’m confident you will do everything in your power as a congressman and chair of the Oversight Committee to look into how Trump and his family’s ethically dubious (some might say downright ethically atrocious) business dealings are already costing us many more millions. I’m confident you continue keeping a close eye on this administration because your duty is to the people who elected you and the country you serve.

Right?

The point is that you’re the real victim here. Those accusing you of sexism, they’re the ones at fault. The people wondering why you haven’t been more responsive to the hurricane of scandals this administration has unleashed? They’re just trying to smear the good name of the House of Chaffetz.

Stay strong, Jay Jay.

Yours truly,

A real big fan.

P.S. Do your fucking job.

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