The state of the union isn’t great. Barely a month into 2020, we’ve watched the Republican Party stifle the president’s impeachment trial, the Trump administration nearly start a full-scale war with Iran and the Democrats fumble the Iowa caucus.
America is in rough shape, but that’s not the story Donald Trump will tell during his State of the Union address. He’ll tout economic success and low unemployment numbers, how his approval rating has never been higher and, possibly, the Democratic Party’s seeming fecklessness (hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day). He’ll also tell a myriad of lies about how America is endlessly “winning,” glossing over his family separation policy and countless environmental rollbacks and abandoning the Kurds in Syria and any number of other genuinely awful things he’s done (or continued) in the past year.
The speech and theater surrounding it will be unbearable. As with most political television, you should just skip it. But if you can’t help tuning in, you’ll need copious amounts of liquor to get through the evening. And as usual, we’re way ahead of you.
(Note: BTRtoday does not take responsibility for your inebriated decisions or political affiliations.)
Take a Drink If…
Trump uses any of the following words or phrases: Amazing, Tremendous, Best, Incredible, Strong, Terrible, Corrupt, Deep State, Swamp, Not Good, Do Nothing Democrats, Perfect Phone Call, Impeachment Sham.
Trump takes a victory lap for unemployment. This is the only real positive statistic Trump can point to, so you can bet he will. Nevermind that wages are stagnant and industries from tech to automaking are laying off people left and right. Presidents don’t need to contextualize unemployment. Just drink.
Trump talks about impeachment. This is probably coming, although in what capacity we can’t be sure.
The camera cuts to any current or former 2020 Democratic presidential candidate. Several will be in the building on the heels of the Iowa caucus, including Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar. But we’ve expanded this rule to include Kamala Harris, Cory Booker and Kirsten Gillibrand, among others. Finish your drink if any refuse to get up during a standing ovation. More on this later.
The camera cuts to one of Trump’s guests. They are Afghanistan war veteran Tony Rankins and deputy chief of U.S. Border Patrol Raul Ortiz. Speaking of which …
Trump brags about border security. This is still a winning issue for Trump among his base, so expect him to hammer it for some time. Finish your drink if he mentions MS-13 by name or provides a prospective date for border wall completion.
Trump mentions that his healthcare plan is better than the Democrats’. Trump’s expected to discuss healthcare cost reform, and he’ll undoubtedly note that his plan isn’t radical like those crazy Democrats promising free healthcare. Go ahead and finish your drink if he mentions Medicare For All by name.
Trump stumbles over an easy word or state/country name. This is a man who just two days ago congratulated the wrong state for winning the Super Bowl.
Every fifth sniff. You probably already knew this, but Trump tends to sniff an awful lot during public addresses. But we can’t make you drink every time this man sniffs or you’d be hospitalized. Keep a tally in your head or on a sheet of paper.
Finish Your Drink If …
Pelosi claps behind Trump. This should be infrequent, but it’s bound to happen when Trump mentions our government backing a coup in Venezuela. You know, just a normal bipartisan thing.
Trump mentions the Democrats’ Iowa caucus debacle. This speech was likely scripted before things went haywire last night, so there’s a decent chance it doesn’t come up. But Trump can’t resist digging at the Dems, and he’ll never have a bigger platform to get a clean one off.
Trump vaguely threatens war with Iran. This won’t happen openly—it’ll take the form of some bullshit patriotic chest puffing like “we showed Iran our might” or “they saw what happens when you threaten the United States.” You’ll know it when you hear it. Drink up.
The camera cuts to Bernie Sanders looking grumpy AF Imagine you’re an outsider political candidate whose grass-roots political organization scored a hard-fought victory in the first primary only to see the political establishment you’ve railed against your entire career spoil the victory, either through treachery or incompetence. Then you’ve gotta listen to some reality show moron talk about his achievements?
Trump talks toilets. In December, the president complained that “people are flushing toilets 10, 15 times.” At a rally about two weeks later, he griped about dishwashers not using enough water and how new-fangled light bulbs make his skin look orange (sure, buddy. No way it’s a spray tan). It’s Trump’s way of complaining about energy-efficient appliances and possibly admitting that he has serious digestive health issues.
Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer uses the phrase “we have a saying” during the Democratic rebuttal. We can’t blame you for turning off your television or falling asleep before this point. But if you manage to stay up and keep this disaster on to watch Whitmer, a centrist-sounding former prosecutor, you’re almost assured to hear some form of this phrase. And even if you don’t, just finish your drink and go to bed.