Donald Trump delivers his third State of the Union Address tonight, and it’s going to be bad. The president will rile up his base with scary details about non-existent crises while paradoxically insisting that America is stronger than ever. He’ll take credit for fictional accomplishments and misstate his record.
You’re not going to learn anything from the speech and it won’t make you feel good. Really, you’re better off doing pretty much anything else than watching this speech. The best way to approach the address might be the one suggested by AOC: watching none of it.
None of it https://t.co/k2SY2NnTpB
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) February 5, 2019
But even though you realize watching the SOTU won’t do you any good, you’re still gonna tune in. Come on. The guy from The Apprentice is the president and he’s addressing the country soon after a government shutdown that ended humiliatingly for him. You can’t miss that. Luckily, liquor can make it bearable. Here’s our official drinking guide for getting through the speech.
(Note: BTRtoday does not take responsibility for your inebriated decisions or political affiliations.)
Take a Drink When Trump:
Uses the following words/phrases: Drugs, Gangs, Danger, Amazing, Tremendous, Incredible, Strong, Terrible, Not Good, People Are Saying, MS-13.
Takes a Victory Lap for Low Unemployment. This is the only real good statistic Trump can take credit for, and you can bet he will. Nevermind that wages are stagnant and industries from the media to automaking are laying off people left and right. Presidents don’t need to contextualize unemployment. Just drink.
Discusses Withdrawing Troops From Afghanistan. Donald Trump has a unique ability to transform once-liberal positions into conservative ones, and vice versa. This is a perfect example. Take two drinks if he utters some form of the phrase “there are enough battles to fight here at home.”
Harps on Trade Deficit With China. Hammering China is one of Trump’s go-to rhetorical gimmicks. Expect this to sound a little more desperate than usual, though—he’s trying to justify a trade war that isn’t working.
Ad-libs. Apparently Trump has been practicing his speech, something he normally doesn’t do. Still, there’s a fair chance he adds a word or phrase for emphasis. An extra “very bad” or “not good” for dramatic effect, or maybe a joke and a smile. Either way, drink.
Take Two Drinks When Trump:
Uses the following words/phrases: Unity, Healing, Wall, Illegal Immigrants, America First, Heartland, Fentanyl.
Makes an appeal to bipartisan unity. Reports says Trump, who rode to victory on a platform of owning the libs, plans to urge unity between Democrats and Republicans (and Americans in general). Take three drinks if he uses some form of the phrase “one American people” like we’re all the same race or something.
Mentions social media scandals/loss of personal privacy. These are real questions and issues facing the country. So we can expect Trump to use it to dunk on rich social media billionaires he’s jealous of. Finish your drink if he says “the cyber” or starts talking about cyber bullying, Melania’s pet cause.
Mentions North Korea. Opening up relations with North Korea is exactly the kind of empty headline-grabbing foreign policy initiative Trump will take credit for. Finish your drink if Trump teases a second summit with Kim Jong-un.
Mentions Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer or other Democrats negatively. Pelosi pushed back on Trump giving this speech while the government was shutdown. Trump knows he lost that battle, and Pelosi knows she won it. Don’t be surprised if Trump uses his unchallenged platform to bash the Democrats. Finish your drink if he does this after mentioning “unity” or “healing.”
Every time Pelosi claps behind Trump. This should be infrequent, but it’s bound to happen when Trump mentions our government backing a coup in Venezuela. You know, just a normal bipartisan thing.
Finish Your Drink If:
Trump misidentifies/mispronounces a country name. After he reportedly referred to Nepal and Bhutan as “Nipple” and “Button,” anything is possible here. Let’s just hope the speech doesn’t mention Djibouti or Niger. (Yes, pronouncing China like Gina DOES count.)
The camera pans to Joshua Trump. Melania Trump is really making headway on her anti-bullying campaign. She found a boy bullied for having the last name Trump and made him a national spectacle. There’s just no way kids at his school will pick on him after he appears on TV as a victim of bullying.
Trump declares a national emergency to deal with the “border crisis.” Yup, this is still on the table. The irony of Trump declaring a state of emergency while calling for American unity is too sweet to pass up. Forget your drink—finish the whole goddamn bottle.