10 Things I’d Rather Watch Than ‘Gotti’

The Dapper Don has gone Hollywood.

Lionsgate released the first official trailer for Gotti, the biopic of infamous New York mobster John Gotti. It stars John Travolta, fresh off his Emmy-nominated performance in The People vs. O.J. Simpson, the bloated, middle-aged version of whom was born to play the Teflon Don. On first glance, Gotti appears destined for mafia movie greatness alongside the likes of Casino and Goodfellas.

But what initially looks promising ends up just like every other bad mob movie trailer—a little action, a lot of crappy music and a ton of gesticulation. The trailer lays the plot almost entirely bare, and it doesn’t look good. It chronicles Gotti’s rise to the top as he murders the boss of bosses, brings his son into the life and becomes a media darling. It also gives us a quick refresher course of New York City’s five boroughs.

I’m going to see this movie when it comes out, because it’s my obligation as an Italian American from Northern New Jersey to do so, but my expectations aren’t high. With that in mind, here are ten things I’d rather watch than Gotti.

Seasons one through three of Growing Up Gotti with special commentary from Victoria Gotti about life after the show and how her sons are doing (because I care).

Two full hours of DJ Pauly D dropping the bass on his four-hour dubstep remix of The Godfather theme.

An infinite loop of Ray Liotta’s collective work since Goodfellas, including Shades of Blue, a show he currently stars in alongside Jennifer Lopez that I didn’t know existed until just now.

A Goodfellas reboot focusing exclusively on Jimmy Two Times.

All three (supposedly real) alternate endings of The Sopranos that David Chase claims he filmed. (This would actually be amazing, can someone get on this?)

Paulie Walnuts explaining to someone from the Midwest what gabagool is. (It’s capicola, which is a cold cut made from the neck meat of a pig. Ova heeea.)

Any movie starring Joe Pesci. Where have you gone, Joe Pesci?

The Godfather Part III. Marone.

All the best Cake Boss drops and fails, including this one, where an enormous chandelier cake crashes to the floor and people ending up eating it anyway.

A fully promoted prizefight featuring all the women from Mob Wives to make up for all the fistfights and confrontations they teased over six seasons. Drita vs. Karen with Renee vs. Carla as the undercard. Announced by Big Ang (RIP).