10 Sex Toys That Could Be Tree Ornaments

The typical Christmas tree is a hodgepodge of handmade crafts and discount store baubles, with lights haphazardly slapped on.

You know what would really improve the average Christmas tree? A dildo. But how do you hang it from a Douglas fir branch without ruining the season?

Here are sex toys that could hide on your tree in plain sight.

This chic bobble
This oral sex stimulator includes a hook for hanging and there’s a decent chance your ancient relatives won’t even notice it on the tree. Or they will recognize it and regale the holiday dinner guests will tales from their misspent youth.

Image courtesy of Lelo

For the Who in all of us
The Crytal Delights Twists Red Chili Pepper dildo’s red and shiny color scheme nestles comfortably into any holiday decor. The sparkling twisted sex toy complements ugly sweaters and Christmas lights so well, they belong in Whoville.

Image courtesy of Crystal Delights

Aw, how cute
This vibrating duck toy is a natural fit for the tree. It even looks like it has tinsel around its neck.

Image courtesy of Big Teaze, via Amazon

For fancy Christmas
Admittedly, you’d need a tree with sturdy branches to hang these beautiful silver bobbles that also just happen to be butt plugs. That said, could you not see these in a William-Sonoma catalogue?

Image courtesy of Good Vibrations

Oh, the tree topper!
More like nipple topper.

Image courtesy of Good Vibrations

I just couldn’t help myself
This glass candy cane dildo is so on-theme, you could probably get away with sticking it on ye olde yule bush without anyone the wiser. But you’ll know. Ho boy, will you know.

Image courtesy of Adam & Eve

’nuff said?
Just look at those cute red balls.

Image courtesy of Nasswalk, via Amazon

Wait, these do what?
You could hang 50 of these Christmas-red bows on the tree and nobody has to know they’re meant to be tied around a cock-and-balls.

Image courtesy of SAMMOR, via Amazon

These were meant to be hung
What an elegant shade of Christmas gold. But no, these are not classic ornament balls. These Ben Wa Balls are meant to be vaginally inserted for kegel exercises.

PSA: these should not be inserted anally, as the description suggests. If you insert these into your anus, they will not come out without a visit to the ER.


Image courtesy of Spencer’s

Got that red and green
The green color is so seasonal you might not even notice the butt plug shape.

Image courtesy of Crystal Delights