Snacks For The Apocalypse

Last weekend NYC was hit with the historic Winter Storm Jonas, or, as it’s come to be known: Snowpocalypse. As the weather closed in on us, there was just one thing on my mind–survival, or, more accurately, food.

I would be bunkering down and weathering the storm with a friend of mine in his recording studio, where we planned to write some songs, drink fireball whiskey, and watch an inordinate amount of Avril Lavigne videos (okay, we didn’t plan on that last part, but it happened.) There was only one problem: a dire snack shortage. The studio is equipped with a mini-fridge and electric teapot, and a random assortment of packaged sauces, but thats it. “Have no fear,” I reassured him before trekking to Brooklyn “The snack queen is here.”

I, like a crazy person, entered my local deli the morning snow started to fall and veritably freaked the f*** out. I had only meant to pick up a few things to accompany the elaborate foodstuffs which I had previously prepared in my apartment (turkey sandwiches with whole grain dijon mustard, torn basil leafs, sharp cabot cheddar, balsamic cream reduction, olive oil mayonnaise and sun-dried tomatoes on Rye; carrot sticks, hummus, and apple slices with peanut butter and honey.) However, when I got in there, it hit me: nobody could predict how long we’d be there! It could be days! Weeks, even! I needed to be prepared. So I rummaged through the shelves, knocking over cans of cat food and cleaning supplies in my wake.

I left with: A bag of Aged White Cheddar Pirate’s Booty, Red Hot Blue chips, Salt & Cracked Pepper Kettle chips, artisanal twisted mozzarella with caraway seeds, a bottled fruit smoothie, Krave garlic chili pepper beef jerky, Ritter-Sport chocolate with marzipan, and two packs of instant spicy Ramen.

I could only hope it would be enough to keep us alive.

The turkey sandwiches went almost immediately. Followed by the Kettle chips. The fresh fruit and vegetables were neglected, because honestly who wants to eat healthy if we’re all going to die tomorrow anyways.

Dinnertime rolled around, and as we suspected nobody was delivering. The noodles I had heroically provided would have to suffice. As we started to eat (in batches, out of small mugs and with plastic spoons because we had no bowls or cutlery) I was hit with a stroke of genius: we could break up the carrots, and add them to the ramen! The hot water cooked them and they added sweetness and depth to the broth. But it didn’t stop there: I added a slab of beef jerky as well, which was rehydrated immediately, changing from tough and chewy to tender. It perfectly imitated Char Siu pork (the slab of meat you often find topping your ramen bowl). We also scavenged for some packages of soy sauce, and supplemented that as well.

A perfect last meal. All hail Me. Queen Of Snacks–singlehandedly responsible for the continuation of humanity.

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