Your Post-Halloween Retox Regimen!

So, it’s Monday. But if you don’t remember Saturday night, and if you factor in Daylight Saving Time, that means it’s still the weekend, right? Get over your post-Halloween blues with this rigorous retox regimen (because who needs detoxing?).

10:00am Start your day with a leisurely cup of coffee (spiked with Kahlua of course). For breakfast, save a few bucks, and have your hoarded Halloween candy! The sugar and empty calories will sustain you all morning, or at least until your buzz wears off.

11:00am Arrive to work two hours late, without apology. It’s really tough getting the hang of this new timing thing! Eat second breakfast, undoubtedly the most important meal of the day. This time, just mine your office fridge for whatever your co-workers forgot to remove over the weekend. Half of a frozen burrito and some expired yogurt? Yes, please!

11:30am Sit down. Review your costumed selfies for the rest of the morning.

1:00pm Lunchtime already? It’s time for another boozy beverage–you deserve it! Getting up from your desk for all of those aimless journeys to the bathroom really brings about a certain thirst. Substitute flavored Vodka for water. Or better yet, replace your cranberry juice with a nice Bordeaux.

2:00pm Take a quick nap under your desk. Studies have totally shown that this will make you more productive.

3:00pm Wake up. Go around the corner and grab a coffee.

4:00pm Send some very important emails. Mostly lengthy ones to your friends, filled with elaborate “I’m sorry’s” and empty promises to pay for the shelf that you inadvertently destroyed at their Halloween party.

5:00pm The best way to purge your body of this past weekend’s debaucheries is working out. Or rather, working up–an appetite that is! Do yourself a favor and watch some tantalizing re-runs of Top Chef for a couple of hours once you get home.

7:30pm Order Seamless.

8:30pm For dessert, nobody wants cold leftovers. Instead, heat up your bite-sized chocolate bars in the microwave. Now they’re decadent mini chocolate cakes!

9:30pm Get to bed early. You had a tough day, and trust me, you need your rest, because you’ll be doing it all again tomorrow.