F*** Your Rainbow Food

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There is a trend going on in food right now–to take something wonderful, pure, and delicious, and pour random rainbow food dye all over it turning it into something horrible. Why? I don’t know. And I’ll have no part in it.

First, it was the rainbow bagel. This is truly sacrilegious. Nothing about this idea is the least bit appealing, authentic, or appetizing. And yet, the poor masses flock to try this whimsical, terrifying treat.

Next came the rainbow grilled cheese just in time to sully the good name of National Grilled Cheese Month. The outside appears normal, delicious, even. But the inside is a haunted house of terror and shame. Why a human would choose to eat a grilled cheese that looks like alien snot is truly beyond me.

Now, they’ve come for coffee. Coffee! The purest, most important substance in our daily lives (besides alcohol, of course) is being tainted and consumed by the rainbow mafia. These are dark, dark days.

I’ll never surrender. This is bigger than bagels, it’s bigger than grilled cheese and coffee, this threatens the sanctity of food itself. So, trust me, just say no to rainbow stuff. It leads nowhere good.