How to Not Fuck up Your Scrambled Eggs

It’s the weekend, and that means eggs, eggs, eggs. It’s no secret that eggs are a versatile and delicious thing to prepare, but I bet you didn’t know just how much thought and technique goes into even the simplest and most humble of egg dishes: scrambled eggs.

Here’s the thing: scrambled eggs have the potential to be absolutely delicious, or weirdly bland, rubbery, and bad. So even though they seem like something so simple that a child could make them, there are some very real factors you should keep in mind to make sure that you’re getting the most out of your scramble.

First of all, you need to decide what type of scrambled egg you’re making, and this will inform the steps you take thereafter. Do you want them fluffy and diner-style? Do you want them silky, soft, and custardy? Do you want them rich and spoonable, with delicate little curds? Each of these choices requires a few specific ingredients and techniques, and they yield completely different results!

However, there are some cardinal rules that apply across the board. Obviously, you need to make sure that you start with good eggs. None of that factory farm bullshit. Sure, the farm fresh ones are slightly more expensive, but the bright yellow yolks and undeniably more delicious flavor more than make up for the two extra dollars you have to shell out.

Also, it’s important that you don’t disturb the protein too much before cooking, or else you’ll end up with a watery mess. Don’t over beat your eggs, and refrain from seasoning them until after they’re cooked.

Lastly, don’t you dare overcook these babies. Eggs cook fast, so you don’t need high heat or too much time! The best way to ruin a perfectly good scramble is to turn it into an inedible, sad, pile of overcooked mush.

There you have it! Some tips for how to not fuck up your scrambled eggs. Next step, don’t fuck up your toast either.