Trump's Terrifying Diet

As the days go on, it becomes ever more clear that Donald Trump is a molten ball of ego, mania, ignorance, rolled into the relative shape of a potato and propped up in front of a microphone to spout bigotry and idiocy. They say you are what you eat, but what could this guy possibly consume that would make him so deeply horrible? Well, I intend to find out. I am launching a theoretical investigation into what Donald Trump eats on the daily. Hint: It might as well be shit.

Back in December, a scathing review of the Trump Grill was published by Vanity Fair, entitled “Trump Grill Could Be The Worst Restaurant In America.” The author, Tina Nguyen, didn’t pull any punches. She painstakingly described the menu, service, and flavor profiles of what appears to be an extremely pretentious and self-important restaurant with supremely gross execution and lacking any real substance. Sound familiar?

One nugget of intel that Nguyen acquired from the server at her table is what items on the menu Mr. President indulges in. Nguyen reports that her waiter said “Trump gets the taco bowl and the lasagna and baked ziti,” before informing her that those dishes weren’t currently available.

Well, it’s no news that Trump enjoys his taco bowl. On Cinco De Mayo, he famously tweeted a picture of himself hunched over the tex-mex nightmare with the daft and offensive caption “I love Hispanics!”

Yuck. I can just imagine the greasy, watery liquid eroding the structural integrity of the edible bowl, and disintegrating right before my very eyes.

And as for the baked ziti and lasagna? Over-cooked pasta and deathly amounts of cheese come to mind. Muddied flavors that sit like a brick inside of Trump’s surprisingly potato-like body.

As it turns out, Trump has a couple of other go-to foods, which can only be described as classic and delicious foodstuffs bastardized and ruined in the worst way. Apparently, he’s a big advocate for bacon and eggs, except he takes his eggs “over-well.” HUH? You mean rubbery and overcooked with green yolks like hockey pucks?

Trump is also a self-proclaimed steak connoisseur, boasting his own line of “Trump Steaks,” yet he orders his steaks cooked to a crisp! What!? Anybody who knows anything will tell you that that’s the worst possible thing you could do. Trump’s old butler, Anthony Senecal, once told the New York Times that, “It would rock on the plate, it was so well done,”

Well, if there already wasn’t enough proof that Donald Trump is the devil incarnate, there you have it. Definitive evidence that the man elected to run our country is literally a monster.