Movies and television have always taught me that the holidays are a time for brotherhood, unity and giving money to people named Tiny Tim. If you find your loud, unruly neighbors are making this happy-spirited season a total pain, follow these little steps and watch them go from Grinch to…Grawesome?
1. Games! Do you and your roommate find yourself constantly confused about the loud noises emanating from across the hall? Do you have a hard time discerning whether or not your nabes are knee-deep in a sensual lovemaking session or a grand fisticuffs? Play a game! Every time you hear sex sounds, take a shot! Every time someone cries, drink a beer! Every time someone yells, then cries in response, solemnly drink a big glass of wine.
2. Invite them over for drinks. In the spirit of the upcoming holidays, why not be the bigger man? Practice some good deeds and invite your neighbors over for drinks. With the incredible amount of locally made liquor available, like Kings County Distillery whiskey and Brooklyn Gin, you’ll find that your problems will melt away as cups are refilled.
3. Host a TV Marathon. Thank the good Lord Cthulhu that Netflix and Hulu are so cheap and available. Snuggle up with your loved ones, roommates and neighbors and plow through the entire series of Archer and Community. Each episode is short, light-hearted and hilarious. Plus, with Archer premiering January 17 and Community premiering February 7, there’s plenty of incentive to hang out again after you’ve conquered the series.
4. Theme Parties. Theme parties are particularly bonding, because everyone instantly has an ice-breaker the moment they arrive. “Hey, where did you get your dead vice-president costume from?!” or “Gee wiz, I love the cut of your Christmas tree sweater!” Similarly, you can throw a potluck dinner, where everyone is encouraged to bring a home-cooked meal. If you’re looking to prepare a quiche, but don’t want to spend all of your hard-earned holiday cash, try Fresh Fanatic at 88 Washington Avenue in Clinton Hill.
5. Offer to Help Decorate. Everybody has some experience in holiday decorations. It could be knowing where to find the cheapest menorah, or how to navigate the best Etsy page for dynamite Christmas tree ornaments. With this bit of information in your head, pop on over to your neighbor’s door, introduce yourself and offer your Yuletide services.
6. Good Old Fashioned Music Blast-Off. Not everyone is into the whole “being woken up at 5am with reggaeton” scene and not everyone is into general common sense. So, when the going gets tough, and you have a job that requires more than thirty seconds of sleep, fight fire with fire. If your nabe is ruining your life with early 90’s R&B, pour some sugar on them with late 80’s hair metal. As a last resort, there’s always be the 10 hour version of Nyan Cat.
7. Start a Band. Sometimes you only think you hate your neighbor; that is, until you hear their heavenly voice singing through your paper-thin walls. What’s that they’re singing? Bizarre Love Triangle? Then it hits you, the perfect frontman for your New Order cover band has been living mere feet away from you for years!
8. Get Out of The Apartment! Remember, you live in Brooklyn. There are SO many things to do here and so many reasons to invite your neighbor out. Try Washington Commons at 748 Washington Avenue in Prospect Heights, a bar which is known for their amazing happy hour. If you want to go out, but don’t feel like being intoxicated, try visiting The Wyckoff House! It’s New York’s first official landmark and totally free to visit. 5816 Clarendon Road in Canarsie.
9. Watch Old Holiday Movies. Christmas movies are scientifically designed (in a science lab) to bring people together. A Muppet Christmas Carol, Home Alone, It’s a Wonderful Life, Die Hard. There are hundreds of holiday movies out there that will soften the hearts of the Scrooge in your life. Plus, did anyone else know about all the fantastic Hanukkah movies out there? Chanukah on Planet Matzah Ball, a film about Jewish aliens living in outer space! Eight Crazy Nights, Adam Sandler’s seriously subpar-but-better-than-most-of-his-movies Hanukkah tale. And, last but not least, The Hebrew Hammer. But that’s rated R.
10. Blatant Lies. Ok, look. Santa Claus isn’t going to stuff your stocking full of coal for one or two little white lies. All this step involves is a pen, paper and a statement along the lines of “I have a rare auditory disease, where loud noises cause me to have seizures and bleed from my ears.” Not only will you be able to live out the remainder of your lease in silence, but you will also gain sympathy from your entire apartment. Plus, everyone knows sympathy leads to better presents – you just need to remember to keep up the lie whenever there’s a thunderstorm. Better ask Santa for a satchel of fake blood.
God bless us! Everyone!
Written for BrooklynExposed.com.
Courtesy of Candy and Pizza.