Donald Trump is taking his role as America’s first reality show president seriously.
The White House has turned into political Chopped. Sean Spicer lost in the appetizer round, while Reince Priebus was bounced after a bland entree. Not even the sweet, Long Island ice tea sorbet of Anthony Scaramucci could satisfy the president.
While he’s got a keen eye for entertainment and talentless hacks, Trump’s taste in food is trash. Be it his preference for well done steak, Trump Tower taco bowls or private jet fast food binges, America deserves better from its commander-in-chief. We deserve an administration that equally represents our undying obsession for celebrity and our overwhelming love for food.
With that in mind, I give you the presidential cabinet re-stocked with celebrity chefs. They may be just as politically incompetent, but hey, at least they can cook.
President Guy Fieri
He’s a walking meme with a haircut no other man his age would wear or even conceive of. He’s the first and only mayor of Flavortown, USA. And his ad libs are legendary, perfect to throw in after signing a key piece of legislation. Immigration ban? “Wow.” Spiking tariffs on Chinese trade? “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” Repealing healthcare for untold millions of Americans? “Now that’s gangster.”
Like Trump, Fieri is a dry-rubbed meat slab of American excess. He’s personally finished every dish he’s been filmed preparing. Throw some flames on Air Force One and strap in–it’s gonna be one hell of a term.
Vice President Paula Deen
Swap homophobia for racism and we might have a perfect match. Deen and Mike Pence share snow white hair, a dead look in their eyes, and voices that make me wish I got some more sleep. But instead of gay conversion therapy, Deen’s quest to destroy the fabric of American morality will be through butter. Fry me up some cheesecake and let’s start breakin’ some legislative deadlocks, y’all.
Secretary of State Gordon Ramsay
Rex Tillerson reportedly struggles with eye contact while Ramsay, well, doesn’t. But sending the king of kitchen rage to negotiate with world leaders? The number of “fuck offs” would be too many to count. Give it a month before Ramsay yells “that’s pathetic!” and spits on an international trade agreement or squeezes Emmanuel Macron’s head between two pieces of bread to make an idiot sandwich.
Secretary of Defense Emeril Lagasse
James “Mad Dog” Mattis may keep other people awake at night, but Emeril’s sure to kick our national defense up a notch. Here’s how a dicey situation might go down in Secretary Lagasse’s office:
General: Sir, we’ve confirmed a small group ISIS fighters are in the region, but there’s…
General: …a large number of civilians in the…
General: …area. I’m talking a lot, like two or three…
General: …hundred. I suggest we…
General: ..wait for more info–
Emeril: BAM! BAM! BAM!
General: OK, light ‘em up.
If only we’d been this callous toward civilian life sooner, America would be so much safer. Oh, wait…
Communications Director Mario Batali
A sweet-talking Italian from New York? Check. If Batali’s smart, he’ll use Eataly to cater press briefings to keep the fake news media journalists happy. Based on TV and online videos, he’s the nicest person on the face of the Earth. Decent chance he’ll break from Anthony Scaramucci’s current strategy of using a morning talk show as a therapy session.
Attorney General Bobby Flay
No one’s quite racist enough to fill Jeff Sessions’ pointy-toed elf shoes, but the idea of settling legal disputes Iron Chef-style was too good to pass up.
Special Advisor to the President Anthony Bourdain
Bourdain is attractive, woke and supremely well-traveled. Steve Bannon is racist, scared of brown people, and looks like this. They don’t exactly match up, but we couldn’t help inserting a little rationality in the administration.