Cleveland Browns File Petition to Draft Entire Clemson Offense

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Cleveland Browns File Petition to Draft Entire Clemson Offense

by Joe Virgillito | Wet Socks | Jan 11, 2017

Now you can read us on the go! Check out the BTRtoday app for iOS and Android.

Following Clemson’s dramatic last-second comeback victory over Alabama in Monday night’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game, the Cleveland Browns have filed a petition with the National Football League to draft the Tigers’ entire offensive roster.

“Clemson’s performance last night just blew us away. The entire offense was clicking, and we knew we had to make the call,” Browns General Manager Sashi Brown told reporters. “We think this would be an appropriate use of both our draft picks and the immense talent of the new national champions.”

The Browns, who scraped together just one victory during the entire 2016 season, reportedly submitted their formal petition within an hour after the game ended. The move would be unprecedented in the history of the NFL Draft, but sources close to the league believe the request has an outside shot at approval based on Cleveland’s sheer futility alone.

“It’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. Absolutely insane,” said famed Sports Illustrated NFL reporter Peter King. “But these are the Browns we’re talking about here.”

Cleveland’s proposition was met with skepticism from around the league, particularly in San Francisco, where 49ers officials expressed their distaste of the idea and their hopes that the NFL would reject it.

“We want some of those guys,” 49ers CEO Jed York said.

An official statement from the Browns organization explained that they would be willing to take Clemson’s underclassmen as well, offering to pay for their continued education at Cuyahoga Community College. The team also proposed relocating the Tigers’ entire coaching staff, including head coach Dabo Swinney, but scrapped the idea once the team realized he likely wouldn’t approve of the significant pay cut or living in Cleveland.

“God bless these kids, they had an amazing season and won a hell of a game tonight,” Swinney told reporters, “but nobody deserves that.”

Back in Tampa, reporters in a somber Alabama locker room noticed spirits brighten when they told the Crimson Tide of Cleveland’s petition.

“Cleveland? Man. Thank God it’s not us,” Alabama running back Bo Scarborough said in relief.

“Honestly, that really makes me feel better,” said Crimson Tide tight end O.J. Howard as the agony of defeat left his face. “Thanks, guys.”

Celebrating Clemson players could not be reached for comment, but one reporter in the Tigers’ locker room relayed that upon learning of the Browns’ plan, star quarterback DeShaun Watson froze amongst the jubilant chaos of his teammates, sat down, and began staring forlornly into the distance. Sources cannot confirm whether he has moved or spoken since.

Recommended

10/13/17 // Ep 27 // Torah Talk / ‘Blade Runner 2049’

Torah Talk with Matt Ruby & Charles Gould. Jacqueline Soller and Charles Hinshaw on ‘Blade Runner 2049.’ Molly Knefel on Trump’s attack on birth control mandates. Sloppy Heads’ BTR Live Studio session. | listen

10/10/17 // “Jesus Lived In A Motel Room” by Hyukoh

Hyukoh is a juggernaut of the Korean indie rock world. Taking on K-Pop and proving that rock n’ roll and other international sounds are welcome in the pop culture scene best known for sugary sweet… | watch

10/13/17 // Ai Weiwei: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Ai Weiwei's latest exhibition will be on view at more than 300 sites across New York City until February, 2018. | read

10/12/17 // Molly Knefel // Trump Attacks Birth Control

Molly Knefel gives her take on the intended rollback of the Birth Control Mandate, introduced by President Obama, which provides birth control coverage at no cost to approximately 55 million women.… | watch

10/16/17 // Keeping It Reel: Tape Collectors Explore New/Old Modes of Hi-Fi Perfection

If you thought vinyl collectors are over the top, prepare yourself for some next-level high-fidelity vision-questers. | read

10/17/17 // Elizabeth and the Catapult

Elizabeth and the Catapult is New York musician Elizabeth Ziman, a critically acclaimed and incredibly talented singer/songwriter with an impressive musical resume of collaborations and credits. With… | listen