Enjoy Halloween knowing which candies are great and which are awful.
Even though chocolate is morally corrupt and sugar is terrible for your body, it’s Halloween! And that means candy. It’s time to indulge in your favorite sweets (and remind yourself of the worst ones). But don’t indulge indiscriminately. Have some class. Pick your poison.
From the high-end classics to the seasonal flops, here is BTR’s Definitive Halloween Candy Ranking.
15. Halloween Pretzels
No child or adult human being has ever been happy to receive these. Any person giving them out should serve prison time. The only thing Halloween about them are the corny jack-o-lantern wrappers. Get these all the way out of my face.
What kind of 1970s pedophile shit is this? If someone gives someone you love an apple while trick or treating, go back to their house and throw it at their dumb head. That said, has anyone ever actually received an apple for Halloween? Were there any reported cases of razor blades found in apples? How would you get a razor blade in an apple? Will this Google search come back to haunt me?
13. Milky Way Midnight
Milky Way Midnight’s greatest accomplishment is that it’s somehow worse than regular Milky Ways, which are garbage.
12. Jolly Ranchers
I have never taken a wrapper cleanly off a Jolly Rancher without at least a small piece of it getting stuck. Combine that with a lineup of awful tongue-staining flavors and it’s a wonder we’re even still talking about it. This will never elevate above a waiting room candy.
11. Candy Corn
Perhaps the most divisive Halloween candy known to mankind. It’s been populating grandparents’ candy bowls for generations, and yet no one loves candy corn. You either kind of like it or really, really hate it. Me? I just like that when you stack ‘em together, you get a full candy corn on the cob (I wouldn’t eat it, though).
Lucky for us, I found a transcript from the actual pitch meeting for Smarties which has not been altered or fabricated in any way:
Pitchman: It’s a candy that tastes like medicine.
Big Candy Exec: Go on.
Pitchman: Well, we compress it into little discs, and stack them on top of each other.
Big Candy Exec: I like it.
Pitchman: Then we wrap it in a plastic with two ties at the end that really makes it difficult not to spill.
Big Candy Exec: Interesting. Are they different colors? Flavors?
Pitchman: Yes, but barely. We’ll make them the palest shade of each color so no one can really tell the difference between them.
Big Candy Exec: Whoa! Sounds like a thinker. I mean, you’d have to be pretty smart to figure that candy out
Pitchman: Hey, that’s what we’ll call them! Smarties!
Big Candy Exec: BY GOD, JOHNSON!
9. Eyeball Chocolates
This ranking is almost entirely based on seasonal packaging, but don’t sleep on the chocolatey goodness. These little peepers taste like straight Nesquik.
8. 3 Musketeers
This is the kind of candy bar that seems kind of gross until you start eating one. Fluffy whipped chocolate with a chocolate coating? How much chocolate does one bar need? Do you have any more left?
7. Pixie Sticks
Candy literally cannot get simpler than paper tubes full of flavored sugar. Bonus points for introducing countless small children to the wonders of tasty powder.
6. Tootsie Pops
When I was a kid, Mr. Owl was a jerk. Seriously, dude? Three licks and then you just crunch the whole thing with your beak? Thing is, now I kind of appreciate him. He didn’t have time to waste on that kid’s stupid question. Forget waiting around for the candy to actually melt. Chomp that motherfucker like an adult and move on with your day.
All you idiots debating which are better lose sight of the fact that they’re the same exact candy. One is fruity and one is chocolatey. Both come in countless varieties, some of which are way better than the original (tropical for Skittles, peanut/peanut butter for M&Ms). After eating a full bag of either, you’ll feel terrible about yourself.
The ultimate pop-in-your-mouth candy. Also, a little piece of Willy Wonka come to life. An extra thousand million bonus points if they come in rope form.
Once I ate a Snickers bar and it filled me up so much that I actually skipped lunch. Also, I never crashed from the sugar, and I actually felt my muscles growing while I ate it. Also, none of that is true, but it sounds exactly like something Snickers people would want me to say. This has been a three sentence ad for one of the most undeniable candy bars of all-time. Snickers people, send me Snickers.
2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
If you don’t like every kind of Reese’s, unfollow me and lose my phone number. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Twix isn’t so much a candy bar as it is a revelation. It deserves the top spot solely based on its ability to survive years of terrible marketing. The golden wrapper and red script is all class. The cookie crunch coated in caramel and milk chocolate is the perfect combo. And the fact that you get two (2) bars per wrapper makes this an open-and-shut case.
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