Ted Cruz Caught Cucking Himself

During anniversaries of national tragedies, grief takes on many forms. Some people need somber tranquility. Others seek the comfort of family and friends.

And some, like Ted Cruz, the junior Senator from Texas, tug it out to internet porn.

On September 12th, online America woke to the news that the odious Republican politician had liked a porn clip on Twitter. For several hours on the anniversary of the greatest tragedy in American history, Cruz’s approval of a post by porn-sharing twitter account @sexuallposts hung suspended on social media, for all to see.

The former presidential candidate is a deeply unpleasant man. As such, the image of him pleasuring himself to digital pornography is likewise deeply unpleasant. Nonetheless, it’s hard to turn away. Any casual follower of recent American politics would be curious about what’s writhing in the swirling mass of ringworms that forms Ted Cruz’s libido.

Cruz’s office took down the tweet and first claimed the account was hacked. That defense is fishy, as liking a single porn post on twitter isn’t in keeping with what hackers generally do to politicians. They’d either put up a million pictures of swastikas or the Turkish flag or just quietly steal credit card information. Later, Cruz’s team blamed an intern, which is more plausible but casts a bad light on the alleged Zodiac Killer’s management style.

If the average Texan had been caught liking some kinky shit, no one would or should care. Spanking it is not a crime, just a modestly embarrassing thing that almost everybody does. But because Cruz tried to criminalize self pleasure, he deserves all the grief coming his way.

In 2007, when Cruz was a solicitor general for Texas he was part of a legal team that argued, “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

So the gloves are off, dude. Unless you’re a glove fetishist. In which case, keep them on.

The 2:20 clip appears to concern a blonde housewife, played by porn actress Cory Chase, spying on a couple while they have sex. It’s fairly pedestrian masturbation fodder but for one detail: It’s a gender swapped variant on the cuckold scenario, which is a telling porn genre choice for a conservative politician. Cuckolding, or “cucking,” usually involves a girlfriend or spouse who cheats on and humiliates her boyfriend or husband. During the 2016 presidential campaign, cucking bubbled up out of the primordial ooze of internet porn comments and into the national political consciousness.

There’s an extra dollop of humiliation for Cruz on top of his 9-11 memorial wank. It’s caused the re-emergence of Cruz’s last public porn encounter; he unknowingly cast a porn actress in an ad that ran during the campaign. After the ad was yanked, the performer endorsed Cruz’s rival, Donald Trump, proving yet again that nobody cool likes Ted Cruz.

This isn’t the first queasy embarrassment inflicted upon Cruz by Trump’s tiny orange hands. During the primary, Trump nicknamed the senator “Lyin’ Ted Cruz.” Trump repeatedly attacked Cruz’s wife, Heidi, implying she was physically ugly and hiding a scandal. He implied that Cruz’s family was involved with the Kennedy assassination and that Cruz was born outside the United States.

So congrats, Sen. Cruz. You’ve been cucked yet again. Also, best of luck to Cory Chase, who’s evidently without electricity in the wake of Hurricane Irma. Maybe Cruz could work to pass some emergency legislation to help her out. Sadly, he seems more like the type to watch passively from a distance as the real government action happens.