I Watched 'Rick and Morty' Porn So You Don’t Have To

On a mundane Sunday evening, my boyfriend and I settled in for a nice, lazy evening of frozen chicken pot pie, cuddling and Rick and Morty porn.

I’m not a Rick and Morty fan. Though I know plenty of truly nice, feminist men who like it, it’s impossible for me to divorce the show from its loudest and rudest fans. But when WoodRocket, the company behind such nerd parodies as Strokemon (NSFW) and Gnardians of the Galaxy  (NSFW), released Dick and Morty (NSFW) I knew BF and I had to watch it.

I yelled a disclaimer in my small Brooklyn apartment to my two roommates, along the lines of: “In case you hear it, we are watching Rick and Morty porn in here. It’s for work I swear.” One simply said “whatever, I’m on the phone with my mother, go away.” Here’s hoping she heard nothing.

When I hit play, it took me straight to Pornhub. “Whoa, okay we’re really doing this,” I said.

The video begins with a riff on the show’s theme song, flashes WoodRocket’s logo (a busty redhead straddling a wooden rocket), then a buttplug appears.

Then we get to “Rick” (Dick in this, played by Ryan McClane) and Morty talking in a garage scattered with spacey sex toys. Morty is played by porn actress and director Vuko, who co-directed Dick and Morty. We wondered at the choice to cast a woman in the boy’s role. The choice to make Morty an adult makes obvious sense but why a woman? Was it a feminist move a la the all-female Ghostbusters? Because turning Rick and Morty into feminist porn is less Ghostbusters and more the all-female Lord of the Flies. It just doesn’t make any sense.

There seemed to be two options: Rick and Morty’s fan base is too homophobic to deal with gay incest but straight incest is totally chill, or they simply didn’t have enough male actors. Given Rick and Morty’s troubling history with gender and sexuality, I’m choosing to believe the former.

Pairing Dick/Rick with Morty, as whatever gender, would have been the ultimate porno move for the show. Before anyone gets at me about the incest (Rick being Morty’s grandfather), let’s be real here. Incest play is a thing in porn and it’s a thing in reality between consenting, non-related adults. Heck, Rick is pansexual, which opens up a lot of possibilities. WoodRocket could have traveled to a dimension in which Rick and inexplicably adult Morty get it on.

Alas, Dick and Morty do not. Instead, after a scene involving Morty’s mom and the leg of a chair in ungodly places, Morty leaves and Dick calls up Untitty (Unity on the show), his hive-mind slam piece, played by April O’Neil. And it becomes nothing more than bad, boring, hetero porn.

Rick and Morty is an iconically depraved show. Heck, in the first episode Morty traffics illegal seeds for Rick by stuffing them up his anal cavity. Dick and Morty had an opportunity to make great, kinky porn and they wasted it for a blow job and some penis-in-vagina intercourse. The intercourse was standing from behind though—how spicy.

“I’m very disappointed,” said my BF. We both were. The porn is only 21 minutes long, which seemed like a lifetime when faced with life-action Dick/Rick humping his interdimensional FWB. I’m not sure what we were expecting. Tentacles or gadgets or some weird sex potion, maybe? Untitty was painted green, sure, but I could paint myself green and have standing doggie-style intercourse in a garage and it would be equally as interesting. Which is to say, not at all.

“Maybe there will be anal,” I suggested hopefully to BF. That would make things a little more interesting.

There was not.

How BF and I felt after watching Dick and Morty was how I felt after learning the much sought-after Szechuan sauce is just teriyaki sauce but a little sweeter: betrayed and defeated.

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