There is no worse sensation that that of trying to orgasm while feeling your toes shrivel up with cold.
We all have that friend who brags that they’ve had sex in the snow because they’re just that virile. Well good for them, but us plebs prefer our digits intact and not hacked off from frostbite. And although climate change dragged summer into fall, we’re finally there. I took my AC out of my window to keep out the draft, dug up my down comforter and for the first time in a while, and I don’t finish sex in a pool of sweat.
The problem is now, I have to go to clown school because I’m constantly juggling the sex with the need to be covered in blankets. No matter how insulated your dwelling is, no matter how great your heating system, it seems the outside weather always finds its way into your room to impede your sex life like a frigid voyeur.
And so, to help all you fine folk from suffering the same fate, I’ve compiled a few solutions to gettin’ it on in chilly weather.
Thick, thigh high socks
I get it. Sex with socks almost universally unappealing. Taking off all your clothes, running your hands down a sexy, naked body and then looking down at those white-and-gray Costco beauties is a mood killer.
Thigh highs, however, now those have somehow passed the sexy test and entered the lingerie hall of fame. And while nylons and fishnets won’t keep out the frigid air, some wool ones will. They will also help you achieve orgasm, particularly women.
But if you want to wear the Costco ones, I won’t stop you because those suckers are warm as hell.
Digital from behind
One person nestles in their partner’s lap while the partner wraps themselves around the other and fingers them from behind. This one allows tons of skin-on-skin action while also requiring few calisthenics, so you can wrap blankets around you that won’t slip off. This one works best if the big spoon wraps one huge blanket around themselves and their partner, putting you both in a snug, sexy cocoon.
Do it against a mountain of pillows for extra cozy points.
Stay with me. Anal gets a lot of flack because homophobia and sitcoms tell us it’s reserved for gay men or it’s a ca-razy thing straight men beg their girlfriends for. Both of which are offensive and plain silly. Anal is great and it’s great for cold weather because it requires a lot of foreplay and lubricant, both of which help your body warm up, both literally and figuratively. You also have a ton of nerve endings around your anus, which warms you right up.
If you’re new to anal, start slow with fingers or a small buttplug with a flared base. And tons of lube. Like more than you think necessary. Try it missionary with the person receiving butt play (because butt stuff can be for anyone) on bottom, about halfway between sitting up and laying down and the top holding them tight.
Again, with tons of pillows. You can never go wrong with pillows, in my opinion.
Doggy style, laying down
Also known as prone-boning.
Doggy style is a crowd pleaser. But it’s also one of the draftier positions, because you’re both on hands and knees, or standing and bend over, or in some other permutation of the same. All of which allow all that cold air to breeze right through your lovemaking.
But lying down and going at it from behind, now that works. Since you’re both laying flat on the bed, with full body contact, blankets can cover your bodies so thoroughly you could be in a 1950s Christmas cartoon. And nobody has to know you’re whispering terribly inappropriate things in your partner’s ear.